I had a shopping challenge ahead of me yesterday. I needed an air conditioner, but I came home with towels, wine glasses, bed linens and curtains. I know I am not the only one who does that. I am just admitting it out loud. For those of you who have shopped at Winners….you know you can go in there for a bedside table, and come out with rubber boots and a fur coat.
I arrived home, late, with a big grin on my face, which I was trying (unsuccessfully) to hide. I had the best day ever. Convertible top down …..driving in my wee lovie of a car. Wind in my hair, music up loud, coffee in hand, singing my fave tunes. My hair looked like a rats nest and I had spent most of the day singing (but moving my lips like a ventriloquist when a fellow car passerby could see me really getting into the groove of my itunes- jacked up to the max) Gawd, that is embarrassing.
P.s. I DID discover a new app….called CARTOONATIC . Check it out !…..(that did, officially make my day complete). Read on…I discovered two apps in ONE DAY. Bliss.
Upon my late arrival…..
Michael : Did you get the camp supplies for the kids ?
Me : Uhm, not really. They were out of stock. Probably not the best answer. I am the smartest pencil in the pencil case, I know it. I just had to figure out a way –FAST- to talk myself out of the hole I just dug. I have learned from the BEST. Michael has, in fact, taught me, that “you can not talk yourself out of something that you behaved yourself into. ” Someday, I will need to prove him wrong. I needed to think fast on my feet, and spark with a moment of brilliance. This is not a time to waver. My task for the day was to buy camp supplies, an air conditioner and a shower head nozzle thingy. In the spirit of confession, my true task for the day (at least in my head) was to go to all my favourite home design shopping spots….that I have missed and longed for ~ for so very long. AND AND AND, I was dead set on using my credit card. Oh, I have used my debit card in the past. That kind of spending never works to my favour.
Michael : Hi hun, how was your afternoon at Ikea and West Elm ?
Me : Whaaat ??! I have no idea what you are talking about.
Michael: That’s odd. You know, they have made advances in “on line banking” in this century. Funny how debit card purchases show up instantaneously on the banking web page. How was your lunch at “hoity toity ville”?
Me : You must have me confused with someone else.
my friends into trouble. Should I be confessing this? I make them stand in the picture. I pretend I am taking a shot of them, but truly, I am falling in love with some piece of funky furniture or light fixture. Sacha is a bit blurry in this pic, but she was a good sport. It could have been the speed at which I had to sneak my camera in and out of my purse without getting arrested by store photo security:
Michael : Mmm… weird….maybe YOU should call the credit card company.
Dah, I know that. I was just hoping he would ride in like a knight in shining armour and just solve it. That is what men do. Haha. Jokes. Don’t kill me, men . So I called VISA.
Me: Hey there, my CC was rejected, wondering if you could help me out?
Credit Card Police ( ok, I named them that, but really, they were very nice)
CC police : We would like to ask you a few security questions. Could you please tell us the balance on your last credit card statement ?
CC: awkward silence. I am sure there was a slight snicker in there too.
All I could think of was…. Whaaaat ??! When the statement comes in. I don’t open it. Michael does. When he tells me the balance, I just sing out loud with “Lalalala” and put my fingers in my ears. I have more important things to think about. Like…… something…..but it IS important. At this point, I wanted to hop a plane back to Paris and forget about it all.
CC : No problem. Can you please verify your current cell phone number ?
Me : NO
CC : weird silence again, (mmm, no idea why)
Me: Waittttt a minute, is it a French cell number or a Canadian one ?
CC: Looks like an international number. Can you please verify your French cell number?
Me : Thinking…..Is this a trick question ?! Who ever makes a phone call to themselves? I am not THAT interesting to talk to. Have you ever seen a French cell number? It is as long as my arm.
CC: Can you verify your new Canadian cell number?
ME : Nope, not exactly. I have only had my new cell phone number for about 10 minutes. Well, I might be exaggerating, but it has not been long. By now, I am thinking, am I the only turd that doesn’t call their own number?
CC: Ok, no problem. Could you please verify the birth year of your oldest child?
Me : thinking…..Michael has put them up to this. He thinks this stuff is hilarious. I am in for it now. I wonder how I am doing on this security fraud test. How do you spell F-A-I-L ?
Yes, I am a good MOM…. but hey, I have FOUR CHILDREN. There is a lot to remember . I was there when they were born. I remember THAT !! I am also the same Mom who filled out the kids camp registration forms one year, with the wrong birth years. Yah, yah, I was only off by one year, but it was as if the apocalypse came. They spent a summer session in the wrong age category camp cabin. Whoops. I made mosaic signs for the camp to make up for it. When all else fails, make a mosaic. You will feel better.
I am a Mom of FOUR ! I am a nice to those kidlets. I give them 3 square meals a day. They are happy kids. I just don’t put some things on the top of the priority list. Like birth years for camp registration. Whateve. The earth still rotated. The sun still rose. We all know who fills those forms out now. You guessed it. Damn right, the kids. I am convinced that they remember when they were born.
Forms & registrations and credit card statements are the story of my life, and just about every other mother who dares to travel this path of wonder-ment. This is a normal day to me.
CAMP REGISTRATION FORM :
When did your child have their last tetanus shot ? Whaaaat ?! I guess it will be when they step on some stupid rusty nail. When was their last rabies needle (jokes, jokes ) ? Whaaaaat ? I guess when some wild dog comes out from some nut ass forest and bites them. I don’t know !
I can, in fact, guarantee you ONE THING though, and that is ~CAMP TAWINGO~ is the best camp , ever created, on the face of the earth. Actually, I have one more thing I can guarantee. I bet Camp Tawingo is in the back office right now, double-checking my camp forms. I am sooooo busted right now. They should allow more “white out” on those forms. Next year, I am going to attempt it again, but I will do it in pencil.
I love it when the kids ask me…. Mom, when did I get my first tooth ? When did I start to walk ? How much did I weigh when I was born ? What was my favorite colour ?! Whaaaaat ? I lie to all that shit. I make it up. Seriously, I am pulling a Jackie Kennedy: “If I spent all my time documenting my life, I would have had no time to live it. “ I know I would have liked that woman.
So, as the day started to come to a close, I finally did actually go to HOME Depot. I perused the paint colour charts/chips on the way to the air conditioning units. Not a typical thing for me to do. Why ? Because I like to see a sample paint chip that is a bit bigger than a postage stamp. Dudes, that is punishment to most people. However….drum roll….Behr paints, you impressed my socks off. LARGE LARGE LARGE sample paint chips. Thank you for changing it up. I think I may kinda like you again. A happy moment indeed.
Then, a miracle happened over the Home Depot airwaves. They have an APP for Home Depot ??!!! I heard it with my own two ears. An app to measure, to convert, to just about do anything…..maybe even cook you dinner. I thought …..” THERE IS AN APP FOR THAT ??!” Holy smoking Geronimo, come home to mama. I thought I just hit the jack pot. I may never download that APP, but I was so impressed to even hear that they created such a beast. I thought for a moment….I need to go to the back room announcer at HOME DEPOT and smooch his lips with a big fat wet kiss. Then it donned on me…he is probably not a Nate Berkus, or Ty Pennington.So, I gathered myself together, and continued my shop. I didn’t find that AC unit, but I sure found a wee refrigerator for the tree fort. Yes, I am plastering on that smile ~ can’t contain myself~
I didn’t have a measuring tape on me. So , I stood beside it, measured how tall it was. It reached my arm pit. Figured out the depth of it too. I hugged it, and I know it is as deep as my arms can reach. That is technically MEASURED. Do you think anyone walked by me, and thought….” Are all designers mentally challenged?!” Doesn’t matter kids, I had a hoot of a day! A day in the life of a designer.
- Laugh Out Loud ~ Where’d My Air Conditioner Go ?!? (lynneknowlton.com)