Stamped it. Double stamped it, no erasies.
You might need a third leg for the kicking ~ but a kick ~ nonetheless. Same thing.
Boot. Bang. Thud. Kick.
You won’t want to miss this epic opportunity to advertise on the blog. This is a great place in the blogging universe. There are great peeps that hang out around here.
Look around. You are pretty special. You are here.
Why here and not somewhere else?
The pitfalls of placing ads on other sites :
Some bloggers will advertise everything and anything. They will do a review, and write all kinds of blah blah blah… oh this product is lovely… blah blah blah… my dog uses this product every day to keep his hair shiny… blah blah blah…. and now I use it too.
Oh la la…blah blah blah…..my hair is silky smooth….blah blah blah…I look like a super model now. I owe my dog a great deal of thanks. And my blog sponsors are magical. Oh la la.
Then there are other bloggers. Authentic bloggers. Like me.
I only write the real deal of shit.
Ask my peeps (that’s you).
I am predictably authentic. Every. Single. Time.
If I write about a product or service, you can be damn sure that I love it.
The sidebar ads in my blog ———————————————————>>
are there because I wholeheartedly believe in these people, their products and their blogs. I heart them. Otherwise ~ their ad spaces wouldn’t grace these pages.
If you are a cool company, blog, website or general all around awesome person, you can have a spot in there too. Look how pretty that is? Who can resist that??!!
I made those ad spots all puuuurty-like. I can make one for you too.
Do you want a spot on the blog? You should. It’s epic around here and now is your chance.
Did you hear that??!! NOW. Stat. Pronto.
I barked that command.
Sorry about that, I’m usually more soft-spoken. Enough of that. I want to shout this to the universe. Shouting into cyberspace. Hollering into the blog-o-sphere. Screaming to the moon and stars above.
Can you hear me?
Let’s do this together.
I need you.
An advertising plan :
Do you ever set your mind to something? You make a plan. A legit plan. One that you think will take you 1o minutes. Ten months, 10 weeks, 10 cotton pickin’ hours later… the plan was formulated.
I need a third leg to kick myself. It took me that long.
Don’t make the same mistake as me. We only need one doofass in the room at a time.
Here’s the cool part… I want to blow the doors off of your advertising too. I want to help make a difference for you. I want to move the dial. For you.
Why is this such a humdinger of a plan?
I hummed and haaaaa’d. I beat the plan around the bush. I noodled it. I contemplated it. I loved it. Then I hated it. And loved it again.
It was a loooooooooooooooooong road to get to the point of advertising.
Do you ever make your mind up about something, and then your mind freaking talks you out of it?
Damn. Damn. Mother efffing Damn.
I never do that. Yes I do. I do it every day.
Why do our heads talk us out of things ??!
Do you have thoughts like this? :
Thou shall not touch the chocolate chip cookies.
Thou shall not.
Not. Nope. Not.
Don’t do it.
Then what happens?
The bloody chocolate chip cookies call your name. Assholes. Asshole cookies.
But the asshole cookie just talks like that, doesn’t it? You know it :
Hey you. Come here. Really. I’m over here. Right where you hid me. Neatly tucked behind the crackers that taste like expired brussel sprouts. Ahhh. That’s right. I’m all snuggly back here in the pantry looking all tempty tempting to you. That’s it. You found me. Quick. I’m all yours. Take me. Take me now.
That is identical to blog advertising. Bloggers think YES I want that cookie. No. I can’t. I shall not. I don’t have enough traffic. Yes. I can. I have the traffic now. I worked hard for that. No. I can’t. People will be mad at me if I advertise. There will be a mutiny on the bounty.
Here’s the deal.
Without blog monetization, there can be no blog. Oh. My. Are those sad words or what?
We can’t let that happen.
If it happens, you better bring me flowers.
Don’t make me sad like that.
I will holler………………H.o.L.l.e.R……….and be flipping mad to not have this blog anymore. Don’t make me be that girl. A temper tantrum will ensue.
I usually reserve hollering for when :
* Something is on fire.
* When there is blood.
* If my wine glass is empty. That is serious business.
This is also serious biz. I need to monetize this son of a bitch. Something needs to pay for my habits. Chocolate chip cookies aren’t cheap, you know. These sidebar ads need to change that shit up. I can not … nope … will not … live without cookies.
Not making enough money on a blog can be a buzz kill. Believe me. It is HARD WORK. Don’t let my pajamas fool you. Don’t let these fun words fool you. I dream blog posts.
I work all.the.time. Because I love love love it. I’m also as tough as a two dollar steak if I need to be.
I will walk into poles and bump into things when I am deep into bloggy thoughts.
That’s dedication, man.
Are you a blogger? Do you feel the same way? Do you think like this :
So what, you're a blogger. Now what??!!!
Make money. That’s what.
Not making money on a blog is like flirting with failure in my eyes. I refuse to flirt with such nonsense. I’d rather flirt with some cents.
Here’s what you need to do. NOW.
Tell your boss that the company needs to advertise on my site.
For Gawwwwwds sake …. do it after work hours when they are drunk on martinis at the local swishy swanky restaurant.
Only talk to them when they are in a happy place. K? K.
Tell them that you are reading my blog at work. That won’t end well.
Pay attention to me. I’m smart.
Tell them that their ad space will rock the universe if they advertise on this bloggy. They can buy an ad in my sidebar for a month. Or longer. Maybe f.o.r.e.v.e.r. That works too. Tell them I will even do shout outs about them. In my holler-y voice. I’m loud, you know. I can holler far and wide. This bloggy reaches across the world. Yup. It has freakishly long arms.
You need to tell all this stuff to your boss in a good way. Can you handle this challenge?
Do it now.
Tell the big chiefs that they can find the dirt about the blog stats here. They may need that info before they bite the bullet. Those are good questions to ask. Very good. I like them. They are smart investors. What isn’t in there, is that I have one of the most engaged blogs evvvvah. People like to talk around here.
Thank Gawd. Otherwise, I would be talking to myself. The only place where it is acceptable to talk to a wall is on Facebook.
Just tell them that I am legit. Authentic. Nice. I’m even kind of reliable. I have friends. Friends like you. You and I can reliably have fun together. We have a proven track record.
You and I have a plan.
I need money so that I can eat more chocolate. Tell the big bosses that I have a chocolate problem. I have a gaping hole and it needs to be stuffed. With chocolate.
Here’s the bad news. Some of the big ‘ol burly bosses who want to advertise will be rejected. I know. Hard to hear. Suck it. I’m fussy. So are you. Dang fussy. My fault. Your problem.
You have standards. Me too.
I like my wine chilled in the summer.
That’s my level of standards.
Easy huh? What’s your problem?
A girl has to do what a girl has to do.
The gospel truth is that I will only select certain advertisers for the site. I want this blog to remain hot and sexy looking. Nothing cheese ball. Don’t even try. I will slap you. I already warned you that I am tougher than a two dollar steak.
Okay, enough of all this talking. You have a job to do. Go find your boss. Oh wait. Are you the boss?!!!
Perfect. You will be easy to find.
Now go grab your boss by the collar. Get their attention. Don’t snap your fingers at them. They don’t like that. Be nice. Smile. Bat your eyelashes. Dance. Do whatevery it takes to bedazzle them. Take one for the team. I need you.
Look them straight in the eye and bark this command :
Buy an ad on Design The Life You Want to Live !!!
Tell them that they will be a superstar. They will gain lots of loyal pals and goobs of exposure. Except be sure to sound smarter than that.
Tell them that there are a lot of cool people who hang out here on this bloggy blog.
Look at you. You’re cool. You are here.
Are you a blogger? Want more traffic? You can buy an ad on this swoon worthy bloggy too. Let other people get introduced to your awesome self and get swoony with me.
I’ve advertised on other blogs. It works.
Spread the fabulous. Spread the love. Spread the word. Advertise here.
Let me be a victim of your fabulousness.
Is this flattery working?
Mwah, kisses and all that good mushy stuff,
Here’s the scoop :
Send big boys here to buy an ad on this site. I will love you forever. Okay, I already love you. That is not the point. Just do it. We need to hang out together more often. xx