10 reasons why cancer is like a drunken sailor…

 

10 reasons why cancer is like a drunken sailor http://www.lynneknowlton.com/cancer/

 

Why is cancer like a drunken sailor?   You just never know what they’re gonna do.

Cancer has a way of picking a fight with a person, don’tcha think?  It’s a gut wrenching mofo.  The big C has a way of stepping in and turning things upside down.  It sometimes takes an organ to check you out, then if it realllllllly likes you – it takes the rest.

 

10 reasons why cancer is like a drunken sailor http://www.lynneknowlton.com/cancer/

 

When it comes to cancer, I’m not a newbie. I’ve been surrounded by cancer for my entire life.  Although I’ve never personally had cancer (and I’ve decided that I never will )

 

I am a cancierge.

 

Pretty much every significant family member in my life has had cancer.  Most of them are gone.  I was hardest hit when I lost my Dad.  It took me years to find myself again.   I’m still trying to walk out of the wilderness of my grief.

 

The only way through this tangled woods is to go through it.

 

10 reasons why cancer is like a drunken sailor http://www.lynneknowlton.com/cancer/

 

I’ve learned that grief never goes away, it just changes.

 

Okay this just got waaaaaay too serious.  Bootie! Tootie ! Arm-fart !

 

Do you want to read on?  

What are your weekday plans other than deleting me from your blog reader? 

 

Cancer can be emotionally constipating.  I promise to never use that constipation word again, in the history of ever.  It’s a real shit storm.

 

10 reasons why cancer is like a drunken sailor http://www.lynneknowlton.com/cancer/

10 reasons why cancer is like a drunken sailor http://www.lynneknowlton.com/cancer/

 

Why Cancer is a Jerk Face…

 

  1.   Having cancer is like standing on a banana peel.  Permanently.

2.    It’s like a cheating lover.   So unpredictable.  So sneaky.  Basically an asshole.

3.    Cancer is like an uninvited house guest.  But worse.  To the zillionth degree.

4.    You can always think about something you like more.

5.   Cancer is like a drunken sailor, you never know what they are going to do.

6.   Cancer is horse shit.

7.   With cancer, you have to be careful while stepping in the shower while eating a walnut.

8.   Cancer has a way of delivering your ass to you, just when you least expect it.

9.  Cancer is full of surprises.  Like feet tickling.  If you tickle my feet, I can’t promise what will happen to your face.

10.  For all those reasons and many more, I could really go for a glass of wine and my own private island right now.

 

 

10 reasons why cancer is like a drunken sailor http://www.lynneknowlton.com/cancer/

 

Cancer is horse shit.
And then.
It's not.

 

 

For the past two months, our family had been waiting on test results for Michael.  Our hearts and fears were on a roller coaster.  For those of you who have been reading my blog for some time (and accustomed to wayyyyyy more fun blog posts haha) know that Michael has a one-in-a-million cancer.  You can read about the cancer shenanigans here.

When he was originally diagnosed, his bone marrow was 70% cancerous.  Although it is a slow growing cancer, the median survival rate at the time was 5 years.  That was 8 years ago.

Hello.

My dude is a cancer rock star.

He’s alive.  That officially makes him a rock star.

 

10 reasons why cancer is like a drunken sailor http://www.lynneknowlton.com/cancer/

 

The Doctors have been testing Michael for months to try and figure out why he has problems with numbness and tingling in his feet and legs.  Where’d it come from?  What’s causing it?

 

It’s like finding a needle in a haystack.

Or finding matching socks in my household.

Like that’s ever going to happen.

 

There was a chance that Michael could have had Amyloidosis.   That’s what all the tests were all about.  Testing for that big A word.  The life expectancy for those diagnosed with Amyloidosis is about 18 months.

 

That’s a stop you in your tracks kinda sentence, isn’t it? 18 months

 

 

10 reasons why cancer is like a drunken sailor http://www.lynneknowlton.com/cancer/

 

That life sentence was on repeat in my head for so long, that I lost track of time.  I was beyond worried that he could possibly have Amyloidosis.  The very thought of that kind of life expectancy brought tears to my eyes, and worry to my heart for 2 months straight.  I fast forwarded my life in my head, and seriously wondered what our family would be like, without Michael in it.  Could it really happen?  The fear was paralyzing.

 

Time. I always want to be knee deep in time.  Time with the love of my life.

Cancer tested me.

 

I wanted to replace Michaels body with blood that didn’t suck at being blood.  I worried how I would manage our home.  Could I love our four kids enough?  Alone?  Our kids really need Michael.  They adore him.  They don’t care if he leaves the toilet seat up.  I do.

Joking.  Not joking.

 

Dewd, I had a total pity party in my own head.  Right here.  In meeee head.  Gah.

It wasn’t purty.

 

10 reasons why cancer is like a drunken sailor http://www.lynneknowlton.com/cancer/

 

Aren’t you glad you read this cheery blog?

 

I don’t wanna get all dramatic on you, but I saw my life flash before my eyes.  Legit.  I fast forwarded it all in my overly creative brain.  I’d never have another soul mate.  I could never love someone like I love Michael.  I’d have to date again.  Ewwwwwwwwwh.   Seriously, this shit went through my head.

 

10 reasons why cancer is like a drunken sailor http://www.lynneknowlton.com/cancer/

 

 

I warned you. I was knee deep in a pity party.  Knee deep.

 

Do you want a whhaaaa burger with your french fries, Lynne? 

 

I wanted to scream …Don’t get all possessive of your cancer. I’ve seen your X-rays. There’s enough to go around.   Everyone seems to have it. 

 

Raise your hand if you know someone who has cancer.  See. Xactly. You totally have your hand up.   Now put it down, I can see your hairy arm pit.

 

The whole experience taught me that I now know what fear to the millionth degree feels like.  It’s gross.  It’s harrowing.  It’s numbing.   I don’t want to do that again.

 

Then a miracle happened.

 

After 2 months of waiting, we found out that Michael does not have Amyloidosis.

 

Celebrate!!!! 

 

10 reasons why cancer is like a drunken sailor http://www.lynneknowlton.com/cancer/

 

We sure did.  I like to think I drink well with others but after two drinks, I start licking faces.  Let’s face it, certain alcohol has beneficial antioxidants and I like to fight cancer sometimes.

 

Btw, stairs are not my field of expertise when I’m holding a glass of wine.

 

Although we still don’t know the cause of his numbness and other symptoms, that’s perfectly fine with me.  I’d take anything over that big A word.  Anything.  Funny how Amyloidosis starts with A and so does that other word.

 

10 reasons why cancer is like a drunken sailor http://www.lynneknowlton.com/cancer/

 

Video 

This hot mess of cancer talk all leads to a family video that I want to share with you.

My videographer pal, Jessica Allossery made it. If you ever need this sorta video work done for you, she’s your gal.

Truth be told, I didn’t realize that old VHS tapes degrade over time. Eeeeeek.  She saved our VHS TAPES in a digital format and then created a video that we could share with Michael for a birthday surprise.

 

10 reasons why cancer is like a drunken sailor http://www.lynneknowlton.com/cancer/ 10 reasons why cancer is like a drunken sailor http://www.lynneknowlton.com/cancer/

 

This video is a collection of home movies, our kiddos growing up, and our way at looking at cancer.   It’s personal.  It shows our kids growing up and then talking about how they deal with cancer now.

With cancer, like most trying things in life, we learn lessons about ourselves, the people we love and life itself.

Grab a coffee.  Or a stiff drink.  It’s 25 minutes long and I do hope you love it.  I really do.  It is super vulnerable for me to share it with you because it is not only personal, it also shows my house and my hair at its fugliest stages over the years.  #TheStruggleIsReal.  No really.  Supes ugly.  Clearly, I’m also an ugly crier.  No fair.  Ha.

Sending you light and love for you to enjoy …

 

 

 

Cancer may be laced with sass, but so are we.  We got this.  Let’s be brave ballsy  and brilliant in our fight against cancer.

We got this.  You CANcer-vive!

 

10 reasons why cancer is like a drunken sailor http://www.lynneknowlton.com/cancer/

 

Quick – give me a throw pillow and some thread. I need to needlepoint that.

I super dig that expression.

You CANcer-vive 

They say that success is the best revenge.  Bullshit. Revenge is the best revenge and I’m totally okay with revenging out on cancer.

So … what are you waiting for?  Let’s go and kick in that damn door that they call cancer.

 

Let’s stomp on cancer like it stole your wallet.

 
 

 
 

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Lynne

 

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84 Responses

  1. Tracy says:

    I am so glad your husband doesn’t have amyloidosis. Having a spouse with cancer is so terrible and you are so brave and awesome. And so is he.

  2. Val says:

    You liked a pic of mine on instagram a half hour ago. Maybe you didn’t mean to but I’m so glad you did. Your blog is lovely and you are adorbs. So glad the universe brought me here tonight. 😘💗

  3. Nerina says:

    WOW, just discovered you and am in awe of your everything. So So glad that the love of your life is doing well. It is nuts to be a guinea pig in this huge sphere of medical research. As a fellow Durham resident and spouse of a Cancer in progress dude, you inspire me to laugh and ugly cry through this crazy journey. Would love to connect IRL and knock back a few with a ton of laughs.
    Happiest of Holidays to you and your lovely family xOxO

    • Hi Nerina! You must be in Durham Region, not the town of Durham… because the town of Durham is one of those ‘you blink, you miss it’ towns. LOL! Either way… I’d love to meet some day! I hope you had a lovely holiday too! MWAH! Lynne xx

      • Nerina says:

        HaHa, yes, after I hit enter I realized I am a big loser. You remain awesome and I obviously have some work to do…. Happy New Year to you and yours…Cheers!!!

  4. Sue Mason says:

    Hey you and your most amazing family- in case you didn’t know this you are amazing! You make me laugh and you make me cry. I have 1 freind and 1 family member dealing with the nasty c word and a freind who diied 1 month ago.. Enough gloom!! I adore you. Just finished my chunkey blanket – husband adores it!!! Now a liittle worse for ware on Baileys!!! You rock! Still waiting for my Etsy mug. YOu make me smile every day. Hugs xx

  5. AwesomelyOZ says:

    Happy to hear your hubby is doing well and is free from the A word.. Hope he has many, many more years of good health his way. I have no doubt he’s earned it and deserves it. Again, love your photos – just gorgeous 🙂 Have a great one Lynne and hope everything is well with you and yours lovely. -Iva

  6. Angela says:

    You have a beautiful family…soulful and aware and loyal. I hope you all get to enjoy a great number of years together.

  7. Terri Davis says:

    So glad some good news came your way! It’s an up and down journey for sure .
    I have heard some cancer treatments can cause neuropathy as well.

    I battle that myself, it is the pits.

  8. Lynda says:

    I get tingling and numbness from eating sugar. I just started following you. I assume Michael is eating a sugar free nutrient dense diet. Green smoothies loaded with super foods like turmeric etc… There are so many remissions when the diet and lifestyle changes are added to or used instead of immune busting chemo…there are many options to choose it must be mind boggling…but to me food is number one to the path to health….best of luck..xoxo ps,, i am a fellow Canadian heading to the white pathway…..soooo over beige!!! Thx for sharing your style and truth…

    • Very true Lynda, about what we eat. Michael and I look at food like gasoline in a car. It is what keeps the engines running 🙂

      We use a blendtec blender and make smoothies all the time. We also juice too. It makes us feel like a million bucks. Ahhhh.

      Thanks for sharing your foodie thoughts!
      Lynne xx

  9. Paul Back says:

    That’s really good to hear Lynne, glad to see you back 🙂

    • Hi Paul !!
      I’ve been meaning to write to you for forever! How have you been?

      We were a bit off the rails there, because of all this cancer stuff.. but it’s all good again and back to smooth cancer sailing rather than the rough patch.

      I’ll send you an email in a bit.

      Big love from across the pond!
      Lynne xx

  10. Dawn says:

    Wow you (and your family) are amazing. I’m sitting at a cafe (rare as my kid is at her 3 hour daycare sesh) and I’m trying not to ugly cry. Cancer sucks ass and I’m so happy you’ll have your soul mate to yourself. I would fucking crumble if anything ever happened to mine. I think I’m your newest bloggy fan. Xoxo, Dawn.

    • Hi Dawn!

      I’m so happy you popped by and that we virtually met 🙂 and thank you for taking the time to watch my video. So very sweet of you!

      Cancer is a heart crumbler, foooooooshur.

      Thanks for the blog love!!!! I hope your face is back to beautiful again (ugly cries always wreck my mascara) haha.

      Big love,
      Lynne xx

  11. Pete Walker says:

    Well, THAT’s over with, thank the gods.

    Nobody said life was going to be easy, but they never said it was going to be really annoying sometimes, either.

    WTF, cancer. Fuck OFF, will you?

    Why is there not a monster font size button so that “OFF” could be gi-nor-mo-gun-dous sized? Because it’s not only that the sailor is drunk, he also has pissed himself, slept in those clothes, has eyebrow-removing halitosis AND continuously invades the personal space of everyone with in a mile radius…

    A douche-nozzle of the first stripe, as they say.

  12. Brook says:

    Beautiful family. I sobbed through your beautiful video. God Bless you ALL. Happy Birthday Michael! You are a blessed family.

  13. Ellen says:

    I have just read this post, I caught you following me on twitter and came for a peep. Thank you for posting it, you write exceptionally well, with amusement and feeling. I am unable to watch your movie at the moment but I will and I will tell you when I have done so.😇

  14. Okay, I watched that video a while back (because I’m a legit youtube subscriber) and haven’t recovered yet. Next, I’m not a doctor, but I have been suffering from numbness and tingling in my face, one hand and one foot for a couple of years. I have long suspected that it’s something that only super cool people suffer from, and this blog post only confirms it.

    I lift my glass to you, Michael and your amazing kids. (Then I take one sip and curl up under the table for a nap.) xox

  15. Annatjie Feyt says:

    Thank you so much for sharing. You really are a wonderful family and an inspiration to others. Happy birthday to Michael and many, many more to come. God bless!

  16. Marian says:

    This post brought tears to my eyes. Tears of all kinds: sorrow/ awe/ love/ relief.
    Thank you for sharing all this with us. I just cannot thank you enough. Lessons learned through blogging… ha, who would know?
    I know one thing for sure: cancer is not for the faint of heart. He is making great warriors out of your family. Praying your family to be victorious in this war. Like today with this A battle. Sending love & tight hugs (unless you hate tight hugs, so I take them back :))

  17. Lisa says:

    ~ well crack the cork for good news ! not the big A..and you know what I mean by that ! ; ) cancer is definitely a journey, not for the faint of heart. I read this post and can relate all too well, as can many, of course. I watched the beautiful birthday tribute video of you and your lovely family. what a precious keepsake. ugh, all the feels, I need a big glass of vino ! I laughed, I cried…the ugly cry ! I need a tissue..and maybe a hug ?! ; )
    The one thing cancer can never take, is the love and light of the souls we love. That love, light..laughter..it remains in the heart and soul..always. Well, I like to believe it so.
    Much love to you Lynne, Michael & family

  18. Tracie Berry says:

    Hi Lynne,
    I haven’t finished the video yet, but I know I will get back to it. Wow. Loved every second of it so far, and I just had to tell you that. And that birthday butt…hey, you put it in there! With my heart and my soul, I wish good news for you all…You and your family are such an inspiration. Thank you so much for sharing this warm, funny, touchingly beautiful, incredible part of yourselves with us. For allowing us in. Love you bunches…xoxoxo

  19. Robbin says:

    Hi Lynne:
    I just wanted to say that that was a most beautiful video tribute to your husband. And how wonderful it is that the test results were on your side. But more than that, you guys must be amazing parents! Your children are so articulate, thoughtful and caring. You must be so proud of them. I’m sure this video will be the best present Michael has ever received!
    Thank you for sharing. Btw, who doesn’t have an ugly cry? And your blond pixie cut was kinda cute. 🙂

  20. Tracy says:

    My heart hurts yet is simultaneously bursting after watching your beautiful video. Happy, happy 55th birthday Michael .(I’m turned 55 last month)…and after watching your video and learning what you have been through makes me appreciate life all the more for it. We truly can “waste” our days …can’t we? Wow….I think I was “lead” to your blog today….for a reason. Thankyou <3. Your love and respect for each other melts my heart Lynne….you are so very blessed. Xo thank you so much for sharing. And ps. You are still as beautiful as ever doing the ugly cry…. Even more beautiful

  21. I loved every. single. thing. about this post and video. Thank you for being brave enough to share your wonderful and inspiring family with us! I hope your family keeps kicking cancer’s butt for many more years! xoxo Your sister in ugly crying, Mellissa

    • THANK YOU Mellissa for saying so! Gawd, I was a total scaredy pants, not wanting to share such a personal video, but you are making me feel glad that I did. THANKS AGAIN!

      Mwah!!
      Lynne xx

  22. Gina says:

    What a lovely emotional video from a great supportive family. I also have the one in a million cancer, I’ve just turned 42 and it’s encouraging to see how well your husband is going with this stupid disease. Although I do not know you, I just want to say thanks for your enlightening posts, I enjoy reading them from the other side of the world.

    • Do you have Waldenstrom’s Macroglobulinemia too, Gina?

      42 is sooooooo young! Michael was diagnosed at 46 and yet most people with this kind of cancer are in their 60’s or older.

      Are you in Australia? #BucketList. I want to rent a beach hut in Australia from Feb-April. Ideas?

      We can sit and chat cancer and GOOD THINGS all day long xx

      Big love, Lynne

  23. Rhonda MacDonald says:

    Big Hug Lynne, and by big, I mean GIGANTIC! Also, a squeal of JOY for your fantastic news about the A word, and how Michael doesn’t have it!
    I think it’s time to mix up a pitcher of that Bailey’s that is so yummy and celebrate. every. day.

    • Hi Rhonda,

      Isn’t it crazy how time flies and things happen, over the years? Gahh! All good and bad wrapped up in a cancer blanket. LOL.

      It is definitely time for Baileys again 🙂 it makes for such a great celebration !

      Woot!

      PS. Gigantic hug to you and the fam. xx

      Lynne xx

  24. Auntiepatch says:

    Ok, you made me cry…….AGAIN. So glad to hear about Michael. Living with the big C in a family is exhausting. For everyone. The C-vivor and everyone who loves him/her. You have so much love in your family and, as Captain and Tennille says, “Love will keep us together!” Blessings on you and your wonderful family!
    Love ~ =^..^=

    • Dear Auntie Patch Karen 🙂

      I officially have ‘LOVE WILL KEEP US TOGETHER’ on repeat in my head.

      I freaking adored that show when I was a kiddo. LOL.

      Thanks for all the luuuuurve. xx

  25. chris aka monkey says:

    well with tears rolling down my face and yes snot coming out my nose i don’t cry pretty either, the one thing i take away from this awesome video is the love you all have for each other….. that love is mountainous, humongous and oh so very strong xx

  26. Becki says:

    Lynne,
    It’s good to catch up with you again. I really enjoy your zany personality that comes shining through your blogs. 🙂 You have no idea how your blogs have inspired me. They even gave me the courage to start my own Youtube channel called ‘Bags and Bling’. For this technology-challenged gal at my age (63), that is quite an accomplishment, believe me! I only have a couple of videos published so far, but have another 4 I’ll be uploading soon. I hope you’ll check them out !

    • Wow!

      THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart, Becki for taking the time to write and tell me that!

      You’ve inspired me to keep inspiring others 🙂

      I am on a mobile device right now, in the car LOL but can’t wait to check out your YouTube channel!!!

      63 ?!!!! Wow.Wow.Wowsers. You go girl !!!

      Big love!
      Lynne

  27. Mary W says:

    Thank you.

  28. Merrijane says:

    Beautiful family! Love the video! Thank you for being so brave, so open and willing to share your life in such a beautiful way! You ALL are my heroes!! God bless!

  29. Vicki Rucker says:

    Whether your blog posts are funny or serious, reading about how you are dealing with a jerkface like cancer can only be helpful for other people dealing with the same jerkface. I know that if I ever have to deal with it closely enough that it rocks my world, there’s someone I could talk to who would totally understand and help me make it through. Prayers for your family.

    • Hey Vicki!

      You sure nailed it… you’ve got me and you’d also be surprised by the outpouring of love that comes from those around you. I hope you never have to deal with it closely, but if you do… we got your back 🙂

      Big love and THANK YOU for sticking with me through my serious, and my funny 🙂 xoxoxo

      Lynne

  30. Gail says:

    I am a 3+ year cancer vivor (I like that)! I have numbness and tingling in my feet, lower legs and hands…it is neuropathy from the FIVE, yeah count them – heavy metal chemo agents they pumped into my body. My thyroid is ding from radiation, but I am here and still free!

    Glad your news was good!

    • Hi Gail,

      Peripheral neuropathy is a mofo, isn’t it?

      One chemical fixes a problem, another one makes a problem… and the best part about all that is that you are here! Woooooohoooooooooo!!!

      Michael did 3 years of chemotherapy, and as much as it has had a toll on his body, I’m thankful that his feet are above the daisies, rather than below.

      Sending you all the positive vibes evvahhhhh!!

      Mwah!
      Lynne xx

  31. Tara says:

    Love this post…and so very happy that your news is so very wonderful. I’m headed to San Francisco for my scans today, and I know I CANcer-vive! Thanks, Lynne, I look forward to watching your movie tonight.

  32. I am so happy for you! Times 10,000.

    My mom’s younger sister just passed from pancreatic cancer. She survived it double the timeline she was given, but it’s a heartbreakingly incurable cancer. She was 55 years old. Three kids in their twenties. Amazing husband.

    I think I can imagine the pure joy and relief you felt at it not being the A word.
    xoxo

    • Gahhhh Victoria! Pancreatic cancer can be so wicked. It’s like Russian Roulette. No rhyme or reason.

      55 is way too young. You all must feel so gutted. I am so sorry to hear about your tragic loss of such a beautiful soul.

      Pffffft to the A word.

      Love ya sista!
      Lynne xx

  33. Denise says:

    I can barely type through the tears and laughter Lynne you are a. True inspiration . I love to read your blogs.. They truly reflect your personality and real life. So happy for the news of Michaels diagnosis . Keep on kickin… Miss you. Hugs to all. Denise

  34. Stefanie says:

    I am SO happy to read this today Lynne! Much love from London. xoxo

    • Hi Stef!

      I’m so happy to read about it too. LOL. No really. It is such a relief to not have to look down that long dark ‘end of life’ tunnel. Gah. Serious again.

      Is it too early to drink?

      PS. Don’t judge my ugly house in that video. hahahahahaha.

      Big love!
      Lynne

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