Merry HoHo ~ ‘Tis the season to check your balls

Have a holly jolly #Christmas and read some Christmas #funnies via @lynneknowlton http://www.lynneknowlton.com/merry-christmas-funnies/

‘Tis the season to be tralalalala jolly

… fa la la la la…lalalalalalalaaaaa…

Whatever.

 

Have you ever noticed that Christmas season multiplies everything by ten thousand million?? It magnifies everything to the ennnth degree of ridiculousness.

Such seriousness takes the fun outta Christmas.

Let’s practice the art of …. Take it easy.  

Let’s have some fun.

 

I dare you to scream this out loud in the shopping mall ….  CHILL it, peeps !  

Yeah.  I knew you and I would be friends.   You are talking my kind of language.  I could shop with you all the live long day.

 

We could hand out Xanax to shoppers ~ little chill pill candies.  We’d wish everyone a hairy mistress errrh Merry Christmas.  I think you and I could write a shopping mall survival guide.

Have a holly jolly #Christmas and read some Christmas #funnies via @lynneknowlton http://www.lynneknowlton.com/merry-christmas-funnies/

 

Do you know what is great about a shopping mall at Christmas season?  Neither do I.

 

10 Ways to Know if You are in a Shopping Mall during Christmas season :

 

 

1.     Your hair is in permanent static cling mode.

 

 

2.     It’s called a mall, because torture chamber was taken.   Malls are like bad relationships.  Every time you are in one, you want out.

 

 

3.    People have big plates of crazy for lunch in the food court.

 

 

4.    The smell of a cinnabon { Sin-a-bun }  will definitely waif past your nose.  Try with all your might not to eat it.  Dare you.  Double dog dare you.  It’s a carbalicious danger zone.  The sugar in that little hot mess can shut down your immune system for  half a century, BUT you will get all your shopping done.  It’s sugar dope.

 

 

5.    Shopping for a dress to wear? Why are they all made with short sleeves and short hemlines?  When did nylons go out of style?  Why do your legs suddenly feel so white and hairy?  For the record, I’m not doling out any pointers on nylons.  I tried a pair on this morning.  It was horrifying.  I fell on my face twice.  It’s like playing a game of twister in a booby-trapped legging of a straight jacket.  Oh, you like nylons?  Open your mouth,there’s something in there.  It’s called bullshit.

 

6.    I love malls.   Not in a mall way.   In a  ‘I want to punch fellow shoppers in the face‘  way.

I want to plow people like an Ontario driveway in the winter.  That bad.

I can say that with confidence.  This is my driveway today…

 

Have a holly jolly #Christmas and read some Christmas #funnies via @lynneknowlton http://www.lynneknowlton.com/merry-christmas-funnies/

If I can get out of my driveway, I can do anything !

7.     I think all mall parking lots should come equipped with taser zappers to be used on people who steal parking spaces.  We could be cowboy taser slingers.  After the bastard fellow shopper steals the parking space, we could give them a 2 second warning.   Move their beastly car or get tasered.   I’m just kidding.  Not really.  Seriously.

 

You’re a weenie.  And you might be my new best friend.  I like how you roll.

 

 

8.    Do you ever notice that malls force you to hide the bitchy tone in your face?   You want to smack people, and yet you say “have a Merry Christmas”.  Okay, maybe only Canadians do that.  We are friendly, don’tcha know?  This, coming from the gal who suggests tasers in parking lots. Hmmm. Ha!

 

 

9.     Dear people in malls,

Kindness is always fashionable.

You should try that on for size.

Or get tasered.

Just sayin’.

 

 

10.     Malls at Christmas time are why we drink.  I like good things and dislike bad things … unless that bad thing is spiked eggnog.  Jonesin’ for an egg nog?    It doesn’t matter if the glass is half empty or half full.  There is clearly still more room for rum.  Drink that egg nog.  You deserve it.   You just survived a shopping mall.

 

 

Do you drink well with others?  Don’t answer that.  It’s a trick question.  It’s Christmas time.  Just drink.

Need some help?   This is my favourite homemade baileys recipe in the whole wide world.  Spike your coffee.  Do the hustle.  This baileys is d’bomb dot com.   You will never buy bottled Bailey’s again.  It’s that delicious.  You know I wouldn’t lie to you.   Not this week, anyway.

 

Click on the photo below for my get drunk secret family recipe :

 

The best #Homemade bailey's #recipe.  It's delicious !!! Get the recipe here -->  http://www.lynneknowlton.com/homemade-baileys-recipe-that-will-knock-your-christmas-stockings-off/

You’re welcome.

 

 

Lynne Interrupted ~ awesome links to great reads on the internet.

 

Before you dip into that lusciousness and get looped, you should know that cool stuff happened on the internet.  I couldn’t resist sharing …

 

 

“ What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. ”

Phyllis Diller

 

 

” The worst gift is a fruitcake.  There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other. “

Johnny Carson

 

 

Have a holly jolly #Christmas and read some Christmas #funnies via @lynneknowlton http://www.lynneknowlton.com/merry-christmas-funnies/

Want to get crafty?  Snicker.

 

 

1.    These plaster votives are dang sexy.  Get crafty and make me one.

Here’s my address :

Lynne Knowlton

RR2 Durham,

Ontario, Canada

N0G 1R0

Send me a present or a Christmas card.  In case you are wondering, I prefer pressies.

 

2.    I tried this DIY of garland and christmas gift tags  Hola.  FAB.

 

3.    This will make you want to run out and buy a wood burning kit.  Okay, so I ran out and bought one.  Make etched snowflake ornaments in birch.   I only burnt my finger twenty-nine thousand times.  Now you know why I drink.  So there.

 

4.    The simplicity of this paper bag and chalkboard advent calendar  is saaahweet.  I only just started mine this week and turned it into the 12 days of Christmas.  I’m LATE.  It’s official.  I will be late for my own funeral.

 

 

‘Tis the season to check your balls and deck the halls.

 

Do it tipsy.

 

 

Ohhhh, and while you are tipsy…

Sign up for a weekly update from the bloggy.   It’s free.   It’s easy.  Just like you.  I heard that about you.

 

Enter your email for free updates on the #blog. Fabulous #DIY projects, #funnies and coolio home decor ideas via @lynneknowlton

Cool things  happen when you subscribe to the blog, like less static cling in your hair.

 

 

PS.

In case I haven’t told you lately, I love having you here.  Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you for chilling on the bloggy with me.  

 

 

Merry HoHo giddy up and goGo,

 

Happy Merry everything

 

                                              Love from Miss.Chevious,

Lynne

 

Share this blog post and spread the cheer with your peeps.   Need a Christmas check list for a reminder?  Here you go,  print a Christmas wish list for some jollies.

Have a holly jolly #Christmas and read some Christmas #funnies via @lynneknowlton http://www.lynneknowlton.com/merry-christmas-funnies/

What are your goals this Christmas season?  Share with sugar bear.  Talk to me.  I’m listening in the comment section.   Tell me a funny story.  I have the attention span of a cocker spaniel puppy.   Make it a good one.   No pressure, or anything.

My goal is to ;

Write less.  Read more.  Talk less.  Listen more.

So far, it’s an epic fail.   It is time to drink yet?

 

Leave me a comment or send me a present.  The choice is all yours.

Note :  I’m easy to send a gift to, I like everything.

 

 

Have a holly jolly #Christmas and read some Christmas #funnies via @lynneknowlton http://www.lynneknowlton.com/merry-christmas-funnies/

 

 

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55 Responses

  1. cynthia says:

    The thermometer says 32 degrees. The wind chill says 15. Is it a bad sign that I was sick of heavy coats back around Thanksgiving? But it’s the day before the night before Christmas, and I’ve fed my last party-goer, well, until Friday. And Saturday. And the Saturday after that. Okay, well, the point is that between now and then, I have three, count them, three whole days off, and one of them is Christmas. The oven is heating to finally get some baking done for my friends (because there’s no minute like the last minute, right?), and while waiting, I just made a cup of tea laced with cognac in your honor. Cheers, Lynne, and a very Merry Christmas you and your family!

  2. Courtney says:

    Merry Christmas, Lynne. Hope it’s a great one. xx

  3. AwesomelyOZ says:

    It’s always time to drink – especially during this time. I don’t like malls period, but especially during this time so I avoid with great effort. I will shove and push some people, I’m not nice if I’m moody so it’s best to avoid those crowds. I dislike crowds anyway, unless I’m at a concert that’s different, these types of crowds at the mall SUCK. Thank God for online shopping – which you can do with an Irish Coffee or Mimosa (just sayin’ it’s good to have options). A very merry Christmas to you and yours Lynne! -Iva

  4. Patricia says:

    Luuuurrrrv your driveway Lynne…………… (& the house & treehouse) – just saying xxx
    No need to shop in a mall anymore, just take a WestJet flight and receive exciting gifts at the end of your flight! Did you see the YouTube clip? Fabulous. I’m still making your Bailey’s and gifting them but the only trouble is I keep getting asked for more! Feel like Oliver Twist!

    • Guess what Patricia ?!!

      Now that you are making baileys, peeps will ask you for it every year !!

      Too funny. It’s been happening to me for about 25 years now AND you think I joke. LOL !!

      Truth !

      Merry Cheery Christmas !! xx

  5. Tara @ Suburble says:

    Lynne – you are fabulousness and a splash of Bailey’s in my tea. (So yeah – THAT good!)

    Also, I think that malls are the devil’s playground at Christmas time. I was recently in a shop and watched a woman nearly lose her mind because she mis-read a sale sign.

    Honey… step away from the underpaid seasonal worker. Leave her alone. She’s not the marketing dep’t for this store.

    (Meanwhile, I’m not even half ready for Christmas….. eep!)

  6. Tami says:

    Another reason to love NYC… nearly mall free. Shop local, shop less, drink more bailey’s. Fabulous post Lynne!

    • So true Tami!

      That’s it, next year we are ‘shopping it out’ together in NYC. You must take me to your fave spots. First, we will practice chillaxin’ in the treehouse in the summer …then we will practice retail chillaxin’ in the winter.

      Sounds like a plan to me :)

      Much love, Lynne xx

  7. lynne….you. are hilarious. I’ve been all over your blog this morning….I also believe in painting everything white. Love your kitchen! Thanks for sending friends (your readers) my way.! Hope you have a great week!
    annie

    • Well that makes us even Steven Annie.

      I was all over your blog like white on rice for days on end. Mostly, I drooled … enjoyed… and got über inspired.

      Keep doing what you are doing. It rocks!!

      Smooch
      Lynne xx

  8. cynthia says:

    I wanna drink tea with you and Carol!

  9. NikiDee says:

    Shopping Mall?! Haven’t been in at least 3 years. I’d rather break my Baileys drinking hand than to run that gauntlet ever again. Blech. If my gift-ee doesn’t get something homemade, I prefer online shopping or at our wonderful selection of local mom & pop shops. Can’t tolerate oodles of pleebs wandering about aimlessly like it’s the first time they’ve seen some piece of plastic junk made in China.. Ugh. Last bit of Christmas bliss for me to attend to is the always fun (& fattening) baking O’ the cookies…and this year…marshmallows. Off to do the Hustle ~ Cheers!

    • Hold your horses NikiDee,

      Did you say you are making marshmallows?!! Bring it. I want the recipe AND I want your favourite cookie recipe too.

      I luuuuurve that about Christmas time. Christmas baking rocks my world. Share with sugar bear.

      Mwah !
      Lynne xx

      • NikiDee says:

        Ok Sugar Bear (giggle) you have inspired me to open up my cobweb covered bloggy & actual write *gasp* a post. Just for you. With 3 – count’em THREE recipes including the aforementioned Marshymallows. ALSO due to you i’ll be switching blog formats & hopping on the WP train next year (i’ll be opening up a new little buzyness & the new blog will appear with it). See what an inspiration you’ve been? The least I can do is send a Marshymallow recipe your way♥

      • NikiDee says:

        Ok Sugar Bear (giggle) you have inspired me to open up my cobweb covered bloggy & actual write *gasp* a post. Just for you. With 3 – count’em THREE recipes including the aforementioned Marshymallows. ALSO due to you i’ll be switching blog formats & hopping on the WP train next year (i’ll be opening up a new little buzyness & the new blog will appear with it). See what an inspiration you’ve been? The least I can do is send a Marshymallow recipe your way♥
        http://ow.ly/rVfcs

        • That is so super cool. It is BEYOND super freaking cool. I am so happy to hear about the cobweb bloggy dusting. I can’t wait to see what you have up your sleeve with your business idea ! The suspense is killing me :)

          So über flattered that I inspired you.

          Keep rockin’ it !!!

          MWah,
          Lynne xx

  10. cynthia says:

    Lynne, I save you for Sunday morning, which is my designated downtime. #5 is just the best ever! I wonder if the person who invented panty hose is related to the one who invented shopping malls. And when did dress designers get to decree that we will now dress like 24-year-olds? I ask because no one but my daughter, who happens to be 24, looks good, let alone unembarrassed, in any dress everywhere today.

    Christmas parties are eating my life. I’ll bet we’ve fed easily a thousand party-goers this past week. They’ve consumed my sense of humor, which is serious in that it is what allows me to suffer assholes, oh so sorry, I meant idiots, gladly. Last night I had to politely ask a man who was busily making trip after trip after trip to the dessert buffet and loading desserts into a box to please let everyone enjoy them. What I really wanted to say was, “REALLY?!?! WTF are you thinking? Does the buffet have your name and only your name on it?” But I didn’t. I actually felt bad for him. Holidays tend to make the holes in our souls gape a little more, and maybe he was trying to fill his with desserts. So I nicely asked him to share. Hopefully he will.

    • Oh man, that is so true ! The dresses are miniature and I get chilly just LOOKING at them :)

      So sweet that you save me for a Sunday morning read. I should start publishing on Sundays ! Hmmm. I have lots of peeps that say that. They pour a tea, grab a piece of cake and read.

      Wait !! Did someone mention cake? Hmm. Drats. Cake craving.

      I feel so bad about that man. Part of me wants to help him stuff desserts in his pockets, and part of me wants to trip him :)

      I wish you lots of love and peace and quiet (and a few extra treats along the way) this season.

      Merry Christmas !!
      Lynne xx

  11. Suzanne says:

    May re submitting my email address did it because I got this post. Well my dear, I don’t do malls, in NYC there really aren’t many malls anyway. I tend to do my shopping online, UPS or Fedex or USPS will deliver to me and I am none worse for the wear. I do frequent mom and pop shops in my neighborhood it’s all very civilized. Hope you cope . I know you will and come out happy and relaxed. Can’t believe Christmas is less than two weeks a way. I better get busy..

    • Hey Suzanne !

      Soooo beautiful to see you again! Hello LOVE !

      I love that about NYC, the no mall thingy…that is. Shopping in SoHo can be so civilized too, isn’t it? It is almost peaceful :) The pop up shops are kinda fun, and the café scene is amazeballs. I could move to NY in a heartbeat. The only thing I am missing is a bag full of moola. :)

      Merry HoHo xxo

  12. Carol says:

    Lynne my friend, my cup of tea with you today that I had was wonderful. I did take a good hard look at my tea, (cup of silence) with a raised eyebrow. I am truly a grandma when I realize I have only ever added milk. And I had a vision of us a kids in the play ground, myself being dragged by the ear by a terrified mother, away from the vacinity of a very cheeky, smiling Lynne. Yet again “I want what you’ve got”. Thank you for sharing. You do stir the naughty in me. I wish you a plethora of presses because I know your Christmas will be great. I’m in W.A ( Western Australia ) for Christmas. It is an oven here. I will seriously turn into a raisin by the time we leave. And all I want for Xmas is to, not kill my farther inlaw. Kisses darling.

    • Now is your chance to spike that tea Carol ! :) Just think about how much fun it will be to deal with your Father in Law while you are a little tipsy on Baileys! Problem solved :)

      Kisses from Canada to Aussie Land xx

  13. I avoid the mall like the plague! I’m totally making the plaster voitives, I think it’s a craft even I won’t screw-up. Though if I do, there’s always Bailey’s and coffee patron!

    • Hey Miss Stef … :) Yup, I’m nicknaming you now. haha! Aren’t the plaster votives adorbs? I can’t wait to make some (in the new year, when I am not feeling bat shit cray busy). I did make the little wooden gift tags from the wood burning kit and LOVED that one. Believe it or not, it’s totally relaxing *with or without finger burns*.

      I should post a photo of them in instagram or sumthin’ sumthin’

      Merry Christmas!!
      xx

  14. lisa thomson says:

    Ha! I’m finished the Christmas shopping (I think) but not finished the Christmas drinking. One tip I would offer here, don’t shop with a hangover because everything annoying about malls is 100x worse. Merry Christmas, Lynne!

  15. Becca says:

    I have a better reason to drink. I do. You might not believe me yet but you will soon.

    I was recently the unfortunate owner of a rash. Not a contagious rash. If it had been one of those, someone else would be having a reason to drink – I understand that taser burns hurt. But no… it was not one of those rashes. However, it was a rash in the most horrible, uncomfortable places.

    After several embarrassing visits to doctor, dermatologist and allergist I was given the news. I came like this from my doctor… “Have you ordered the medic-alert bracelet yet? You’re very allergic to latex. You have to wear it. Order it today.” I ordered it. It’s butt ugly.

    Great! I know what caused the rash. Where do you find undies without latex elastic? Months of trying different kinds from various stores. Online orders of latex-free, organic cotton and bamboo. I’ve spent a fortune on finding a solution and have a couple drawers full of undies that have no latex elastic. They bunch, they ride, they creep, they wedge, they slide… so far, I have failed to find a suitable replacement and the rash has still got its hooks in me. Whiskey should be a cure, yes?

    In desperation I went to another specialist… one whose specialty is treating non-allergy sensitivities. You know… all that crap we are exposed to through contact, ingestion or inhalation? He tested me for everything under the sun.

    Big surpise. I’m very sensitive to latex. Well, duh. Wait… I’m also very sensitive to non-latex rubber. What? No elastic at all? Of any kind?

    There’s more… I’m sensitive to spandex. And lycra. And nylon. And polyester. And rayon. Holy doodle! And cotton!!! WTF!!! And silk!!! I just about cried when he said that.

    I live in the vicinity of our wonderful Lynne’s snowy wonderland. This is not a climate that is conducive to becoming a naturist for the majority of the year. If it isn’t too cold, the skeeters are sucking you dry. I’m alredy itchy. I don’t need skeeter bites down there, too!

    Thankfully, there were a few fibres that are safe for me. Linen. Probably not the comfiest panties… linen bloomers perhaps? Wool. Great! I knit. A lot. I could knit myself some undies. Yeah… maybe not. Leather. Hubby who didn’t get tasered for causing the rash might get tasered for his response which went something like “Rawr… leather thong!” and followed it up by researching the possibilities online.

    If I get a leather thong for Christmas, I’m going to make him wear it. I’ll check the balls and consider the hall decorated.

    • Oh Becca,

      What an ordeal… yikes !… but you had me laughing at

      ‘I’ll check the balls and consider the hall decorated’

      Have you ever checked out http://www.roughlinen.com ? I love Trisha’s linens !! I bet she could make you some awesomeness.

      Linen sounds a little more exciting to wear rather than wool or leather knickers :)

      Lynne xx

  16. Alex says:

    I read this just as I poured Bailey’s in my coffee. At 5 pm. Because apparently I like to remind myself that I once used to drink coffee socially during my University years vs the get me the hell out of bed coffee of the morning. Big Kisses to you! If my mail is late, blame the snow. I know you love it!….

  17. shirley says:

    Hi, Miss Chievous:
    I JUST FINISHED MY CHRISTMAS SHOPPPING!!! and I had to tell somebody! Yay, me!
    Oops, gotta go — it’s 4 o’clock and you know what that means! (wink)
    Love ya,!
    Mrs. Sippi (say it fast)

    • Oh that’s a good one Mrs. Sippi !!

      Hola! You FINISHED ?!! I am so jealous of you right now. Jealous. Jealous. Jealous. Say that really fast. LOL. Nope, it doesn’t say anything but pure Christmas envy.

      Congrats !!!!!!!!
      xx

  18. Christine says:

    I was gonna ask “What the what what” is Table Cream? but I decided to save myself a modicum of shame and just Google it! Well, there are differences of opinion (on the “Interweb”? really?), but I decided to go with Martha Stewart’s wisdom because…well…why not? and she says this:
    “-Light Cream is also known as table cream.
    -Light cream can contain anywhere from 18 percent to 30 percent fat, but usually has about 20 percent.
    -It is good served over berries or in coffee.”
    (yep, or mixed with other yummy goodness to create (voila!) BAILEY’S!)
    I also saw where it can be ordered from the Almighty Walmart for $1.50 for 7.6 oz. HA! But I want it NOW!!!! It’s Friday afternoon, and there’s sipping to be done!!!!! If I am unable to hunt down this Table Cream stuff in Phoenix (going to my local market with taser set to stun – no worries. We’re an “open carry” state (says the imported lonely Liberal from CA)), can someone kindly advise what I might substitute? I know 1/2 n 1/2 is different, but…ugh, I’m culinarily challenged. There, I’ve said it! S.O.S. (I’m so excited to make this. My (mythical) personal trainer is not so happy with me, however. But I now have a taser, and I no longer care! Yahoo!!!!)

    • Oh Christine,

      I wish you lived closer, I’d be right over.

      I totally use 1/2 and 1/2 all the time, or light cream, or just any cream. It is all good.

      I swear you could pour motor oil in this recipe and it would still taste great. hahaaa.

      Really tho, when I use the heavier cream it is ‘thick’ which is nice for sip. I like to drink a brandy snifter of it, so I usually drink the lighter version of the cream and throw it over ice.

      It is divine in coffee tho too.

      Honestly, five bucks says you will make this recipe for years. It is that yummy.

      Enjoy. I’m jealous. I think I need to go make me some more :) It’s 5 o’clock somewhere.

      Lynne xx

  19. Janet says:

    My shadow rarely darkens the door of the mall.
    I’ve gone a couple of years with out going to the mall.
    Think global – shop local or is that the other way around?
    I like getting presents on my doorstep, so I shop shop shop on line…with christmas music playing. Gads, sounds boring eh?!! Love boring this time of year.

    • I really think I need to hop on a plane and shop globally with you Janet. For reals.

      Why oh why aren’t I a full time travel blogger? How fun would THAT BE?!!

      I agree, online shopping is where it’s at. That way, no one gets punched or tasered. Much safer way to shop :)

      xx

  20. Jennifer says:

    Sending husband out immediatly for Baileys ingredients!! Loving your idea of the taser for parking spot stealers. So much kinder than just keying their car. Course I would NEVER do that, but it’s been known to happen. My goal for Christmas is to not feel like a loser for not making one single, nada, zip…crafty item for decoration this year. Now if I could also avoid the 5 pound weight gain, I would consider it a victory. Merry, Merry Lynne

    • Hey Jennifer…

      Sending your husband out for Baileys ingredients is a brilliant idea ! Been there, done that, got the poster and it was amazeballs of fun.

      PS. I just read your blog post about the ivory soap. LOVE.

      …and… while I’m on a roll with the
      P.s.s’s…

      your blog photos are so dang pretty !! Just thought I would mention that.

      Have a merry cheery Christmas (beware: the Baileys kicks in fast) it is wicked strong in an oh so lovely way.

      Lynne xx

  21. Craig says:

    Hangin’ around the house today looking for my
    Recipe for ” figgy pudding ” It’s Friday the 13th…
    Anything can happen, how cool is that…

  22. Jeanine says:

    And this my favorite lady blogger ever, is why i love you !!!

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