That’s right.  These are the best skinny bitch blueberry bootylicious muffins you will ever put in your mouth.  What a mouthful.  But seriously.  These muffins are delish, and you won’t get a big ol’ booty from them.  Minimal junk in the trunk.

These are beautifully-tasty-moist-ahhhmazing blueberry muffins.

Period.

Stamped it.

 Double stamped it.

I want it all, and I don’t want a big ol’ booty after I eat them {all}.

How’s about you?

Y’all with me on that?

GOOD.  Let’s play a game.

 The game of make low fat muffins and then eat them all. 

*happy dance*

 How do you spell 108 C.A.L.O.R.I.E.S ?

***

Skinny Bitch Blueberry Muffin

That’s how.

***

You can have that svelte body of yours (LOL) AND eat muffins.

Imagine that?

You can have your muffin cake and eat it too.

Problem :

 If you eat the big fattening store bought muffins, your mind will be writing a cheque that your body can’t cash …

* muffin blubber *

I’m here to help you out.  I’ve been down this muffin road before.

I had to go on the great muffin road trip adventure.  This is what I do with my life now.  Muffin research.  Aren’t you jealous of such wild adventures?  Shut up.

  I took one for the team and ate my way across Ontario.

  * burp *

The things I do for you.

I went across country & yonder. PS. what the hell does that mean?  I feel like I am 102 years old.  Oh way down yonder.   Where the buffalo roam.  Where the deer and the antelope play.  I officially sound like a senior citizen.  In a nursing home.

I’m convinced it is the time of year.  That is why I feel like an old bat.  This time of year is just suck butt.   I go into summer withdrawal.   Christmas cookie withdrawal.  Christmas alcohol withdrawal.  Sunshine withdrawal.  Where’d it all go? All I can see is SNOW. SNOW. SNOW.

Suddenly I feel the urge to nest and believe you-me I am not pregnant.

 I’m 102 years old.  It is too late for that.

NESTING

When I feel like crap, I nest.

I rearrange the kitchen.  Actually, I just move things on tables and put flowers everywhere.

I light a billion candles.  Fire department quantities of candles.

It’s all a necessary evil to do these nesting things.

Or I will become evil.  It will be a bitch-fest around here.

It is a way to calm my I want to punch someone inner self.

If I don’t do these things to chill, someone is going to get throat punched.

Peaceful and calm. Yahhhh.

I’m also a blogger.  Bet you didn’t notice that. Ha ha!  Life is freak-balls busy when you are a blogger.  It takes for-freaking-ever to a blog post sometimes.  I’m slow fast like that.  I drag my heels like a 12 year old.  I have a temper tantrum.

Then I remind myself … write. write. write.

Even if I want to throw myself in a snow bank.  I just write.

I write.  And bake.

That is my winter sanity.

Bake Bread.

I don’t even care what I bake.  Or write for that matter.  LOL.  You poor thaaangs.  Frankly, I’m appalled at the words that come out of my mouth sometimes.   Someone should put some soap in my mouth.

The important part is that what I bake is sort of healthy.

 At this time of year maybe I should be fussy about what I bake.

Maybe I should bake those special brownies?

 I lie.  I don’t even know how to bake those brownies.

I’m all talk, no action.

I can make a mosaic but I can’t bake a magic brownie.

Hint : someone send me a recipe for the extra special brownies.

Jokes,  Mr. Officer.  I would never commit a crime.  Other than making dinner.  I suck at making dinner.  Someone could get poisoned in my kitchen.

But I can bake like it is nobody’s business.

I bake the muffins, because if I buy muffins I’m going be mad at me later.  I’m going to need a time out.  If I had a third leg, I would kick myself with it.  Right after I finish eating the muffins.

The problem is that I am forever tempted by the donut shop muffins {{ even though I know they are going to give me Buddha belly.}}

I can actually inhale eat those kind of muffins in about…..wait for it…. wait for it…. 4 seconds.

I can hear the coffee shop whispers now :

Let her finish eating that.

Let’s count how long it takes her to inhale it.  One potato. Two potato. Three potato.

Oh wait, she is done.

Oh wow.

That is dangerous muffin top living.

Is she waddling AND holding her belly at the same time?

” Have a good day ma’am ”

*Whisper *whisper * –  ”is she pregnant?”  Shhhh….

Why bake bootylicious skinny bitch muffins in your own kitchen?

Do you like muffins?

Do you like muffin top?

There.

That’s why.

No one wants a muffin attached to their hips.

We can hang out together now.

We see things the same way.

We want bodacious ta-tah’s .  Not Buddha bellies.

~ AND ~

Holy batman, these are super duper power charged antioxidant muffins.

I just made that up.

They taste good.

That’s good enough for me.

I took this photo FAST. They were devoured in moments. *burp*

Eat well and your body will thank you for it.

Then no one gets punched in the head.

{ And you won’t need to visit Dr. acula }

Baking BREAD moment. Ahhhh.

 

This recipe is so tasty it should be illegal.

Go ahead.

Try and convince people that these skinny bitch muffins are low fat.

 No one will believe you.

 You should be in jail before 4 o’clock.

Happy road trippin’ to you.  At least you will have some nice muffins for your road trip.

Skinny Bitch Blueberry Muffin RECIPE

Mix and let stand for 10 mins:

1 cup quick cooking rolled oats

1/2 cup wheat bran

1 cup non fat milk or almond milk

*

Mix in a separate bowl:

1/2 cup unsweetened apple sauce

1 egg (beaten)

1/2 cup brown sugar

1 1/2 tsp vanilla extract

*

In ANOTHER bowl ( jeesh – messy)  mix together:

1/2 cup all purpose flour

1/2 cup whole wheat flour

1 1/4 tsp baking soda

1 1/4 tsp baking powder

1/2 tsp salt

1 tsp cinnamon (or more, if you feel wild)

a few dashes of nutmeg

*

Mix all ingredients together and then fold in 1 cup of blueberries.   I also add in an extra 1/2 cup or so of other berries – blackberries, raspberries, any berries for a fruit explosion.

Bake at 375 degrees ( 190 * C ) for 15-20 minutes.

Bam.  You are DONE.

Enjoy !

NOTE : I’m an anti-muffin cup snob.  Yup.  No lie.  Check it out :

Did you know that you can use parchment paper or brown paper for muffin cups ??!!  Dang sexy, don’tcha think?  I learned this little hot tip from A Beach Cottage Blog.  Go visit Sarah over there.  Her blog is sooooo lovely.  I could kiss her.  Here is her blog post to teach you how to make these muffin cup liners : Bakery Style Muffin Liners.  I promise you will have a beautiful time just roaming around her blog.   She has much more class than I do.  LOL.

Brown paper muffin liners – how pretty is THAT ?

Now I walk by the muffin cups in the grocery store now and snub them.  My inner voice:  Pffftttt to the muffin cups on the grocery store shelves . I might even snicker at those loser muffin cups.

Thank you Sarah.  I owe you one.  The people in the grocery store wonder why I run past the muffin cup liner aisle.

Go ahead.

Bake some skinny bitch blueberry muffins.

Then kiss yourself.

You deserve it.

This is what winter cheer is all about.

BAKE.

SMILE.

Enjoy the deliciousness.

Period.

Stamped it.

Double stamped it.

***

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So what do you do ?

How do you get through the winter blahhhh’s ? Share with sugar bear.

I need more hot tips {{ aka winter survival skills. }}