Why is cancer like a drunken sailor? You just never know what they’re gonna do.
Cancer has a way of picking a fight with a person, don’tcha think? It’s a gut wrenching mofo. The big C has a way of stepping in and turning things upside down. It sometimes takes an organ to check you out, then if it realllllllly likes you – it takes the rest.
When it comes to cancer, I’m not a newbie. I’ve been surrounded by cancer for my entire life. Although I’ve never personally had cancer (and I’ve decided that I never will )
I am a cancierge.
Pretty much every significant family member in my life has had cancer. Most of them are gone. I was hardest hit when I lost my Dad. It took me years to find myself again. I’m still trying to walk out of the wilderness of my grief.
The only way through this tangled woods is to go through it.
I’ve learned that grief never goes away, it just changes.
Okay this just got waaaaaay too serious. Bootie! Tootie ! Arm-fart !
Do you want to read on?
What are your weekday plans other than deleting me from your blog reader?
Cancer can be emotionally constipating. I promise to never use that constipation word again, in the history of ever. It’s a real shit storm.
Why Cancer is a Jerk Face…
- Having cancer is like standing on a banana peel. Permanently.
2. It’s like a cheating lover. So unpredictable. So sneaky. Basically an asshole.
3. Cancer is like an uninvited house guest. But worse. To the zillionth degree.
4. You can always think about something you like more.
5. Cancer is like a drunken sailor, you never know what they are going to do.
6. Cancer is horse shit.
7. With cancer, you have to be careful while stepping in the shower while eating a walnut.
8. Cancer has a way of delivering your ass to you, just when you least expect it.
9. Cancer is full of surprises. Like feet tickling. If you tickle my feet, I can’t promise what will happen to your face.
10. For all those reasons and many more, I could really go for a glass of wine and my own private island right now.
Cancer is horse shit.
For the past two months, our family had been waiting on test results for Michael. Our hearts and fears were on a roller coaster. For those of you who have been reading my blog for some time (and accustomed to wayyyyyy more fun blog posts haha) know that Michael has a one-in-a-million cancer. You can read about the cancer shenanigans here.
When he was originally diagnosed, his bone marrow was 70% cancerous. Although it is a slow growing cancer, the median survival rate at the time was 5 years. That was 8 years ago.
My dude is a cancer rock star.
He’s alive. That officially makes him a rock star.
The Doctors have been testing Michael for months to try and figure out why he has problems with numbness and tingling in his feet and legs. Where’d it come from? What’s causing it?
It’s like finding a needle in a haystack.
Or finding matching socks in my household.
Like that’s ever going to happen.
There was a chance that Michael could have had Amyloidosis. That’s what all the tests were all about. Testing for that big A word. The life expectancy for those diagnosed with Amyloidosis is about 18 months.
That’s a stop you in your tracks kinda sentence, isn’t it? 18 months
That life sentence was on repeat in my head for so long, that I lost track of time. I was beyond worried that he could possibly have Amyloidosis. The very thought of that kind of life expectancy brought tears to my eyes, and worry to my heart for 2 months straight. I fast forwarded my life in my head, and seriously wondered what our family would be like, without Michael in it. Could it really happen? The fear was paralyzing.
Time. I always want to be knee deep in time. Time with the love of my life.
Cancer tested me.
I wanted to replace Michaels body with blood that didn’t suck at being blood. I worried how I would manage our home. Could I love our four kids enough? Alone? Our kids really need Michael. They adore him. They don’t care if he leaves the toilet seat up. I do.
Joking. Not joking.
Dewd, I had a total pity party in my own head. Right here. In meeee head. Gah.
It wasn’t purty.
Aren’t you glad you read this cheery blog?
I don’t wanna get all dramatic on you, but I saw my life flash before my eyes. Legit. I fast forwarded it all in my overly creative brain. I’d never have another soul mate. I could never love someone like I love Michael. I’d have to date again. Ewwwwwwwwwh. Seriously, this shit went through my head.
I warned you. I was knee deep in a pity party. Knee deep.
Do you want a whhaaaa burger with your french fries, Lynne?
I wanted to scream …Don’t get all possessive of your cancer. I’ve seen your X-rays. There’s enough to go around. Everyone seems to have it.
Raise your hand if you know someone who has cancer. See. Xactly. You totally have your hand up. Now put it down, I can see your hairy arm pit.
The whole experience taught me that I now know what fear to the millionth degree feels like. It’s gross. It’s harrowing. It’s numbing. I don’t want to do that again.
Then a miracle happened.
After 2 months of waiting, we found out that Michael does not have Amyloidosis.
We sure did. I like to think I drink well with others but after two drinks, I start licking faces. Let’s face it, certain alcohol has beneficial antioxidants and I like to fight cancer sometimes.
Btw, stairs are not my field of expertise when I’m holding a glass of wine.
Although we still don’t know the cause of his numbness and other symptoms, that’s perfectly fine with me. I’d take anything over that big A word. Anything. Funny how Amyloidosis starts with A and so does that other word.
This hot mess of cancer talk all leads to a family video that I want to share with you.
My videographer pal, Jessica Allossery made it. If you ever need this sorta video work done for you, she’s your gal.
Truth be told, I didn’t realize that old VHS tapes degrade over time. Eeeeeek. She saved our VHS TAPES in a digital format and then created a video that we could share with Michael for a birthday surprise.
This video is a collection of home movies, our kiddos growing up, and our way at looking at cancer. It’s personal. It shows our kids growing up and then talking about how they deal with cancer now.
With cancer, like most trying things in life, we learn lessons about ourselves, the people we love and life itself.
Grab a coffee. Or a stiff drink. It’s 25 minutes long and I do hope you love it. I really do. It is super vulnerable for me to share it with you because it is not only personal, it also shows my house and my hair at its fugliest stages over the years. #TheStruggleIsReal. No really. Supes ugly. Clearly, I’m also an ugly crier. No fair. Ha.
Sending you light and love for you to enjoy …
Cancer may be laced with sass, but so are we. We got this. Let’s be brave ballsy and brilliant in our fight against cancer.
We got this. You CANcer-vive!
Quick – give me a throw pillow and some thread. I need to needlepoint that.
I super dig that expression.
They say that success is the best revenge. Bullshit. Revenge is the best revenge and I’m totally okay with revenging out on cancer.
So … what are you waiting for? Let’s go and kick in that damn door that they call cancer.
Let’s stomp on cancer like it stole your wallet.