Don’t Panic…It’s Under Control

This would make a GREAT treehouse poster !!

Before you look any further, you must really read this post Treehouse + Squirrel = TROUBLE  so we can be playing with the same squirrel deck.

You should know the ‘big picture’ about our treehouse scandalmonger.

Our treehouse squirrel is a buttinsky. A mischief maker.  A ruffian in the trees. He marches proudly along the porch, with nuts in his mouth, and fists full of dirt.

Dirt from my daisy pots.

Yes, he pitches that dirt…. stares at me….and flicks his tail.

Then he smiles a squirrel smile.

AND

 He sings too.

” I’m the king of the Castle, and you’re the dirty rascal….tra-la-la-la-la-lahhh “

Clearly our Treehouse protector needs to be FIRED.

TIME HEALS ALL ……they say.

What the what-what-what ?!

What idiot made up that saying?

Who is ‘they‘?

I want to meet them and tell them that they are stupid.

Then punch them in the face.

With a squirrel.

 

What is the treehouse ruffian up to these days?

**nut throwing

**potted plant digging

** porch rail pouncing

** daisy pot disrupting

** treehouse porch marching

** wise guy prancing

** potting soil pitching

 He is an all around treehouse trasher of a hellion.

He digs holes in the potted treehouse daisies and hides his nuts.

I’m not gonna lie. I want to hide his nuts too.

He stares at me with a look on his face that says ‘whaaaaaatup lady??’

Dude, throw me another one, I’m holding her camera down !!

There isn’t any room for potting soil in the daisy pots anymore.

Or daisies. They are dead.

He pee’d in them.

 Mr. tough guy  just THROWS the dirt all over the treehouse porch. He stands there and literally pitches it across the steps.  He might be smiling when he does it.

 In fact, I’m certain he can *smirk*.

We need to show him our treehouse ‘BACKSIDE’

He was misled when he was born. Someone told him he was a groundhog.

If I was his mother...when he was born….I would have named him ASS.

What I need is a treehouse whisperer. Someone who can talk to the squirrels.

In squirrel language.

I need a whisperer who can talk the language of jerk face.

How to Tame A Squirrel :

The Treehouse Whisperer

P.s.

All of the mother nature squirrel photos are from a website I stumbled on when I was goofing off working on the inter-web-universe called Buzz Feed . Very cool photos!  Wait until you see the shark photo. You will never want to swim again.  Just sayin’.

AND you will think I am a suck for complaining about an evil squirrel.

No, No…don’t shoot. I promise I didn’t eat your mattress.

I better get a grip {on my gun.}

Jokes jokes.

I’m going to buy a gun. I don’t own a gun.

 I think I need to become a sharpshooter.

My bad.

 I used my outside voice again.

Lynne

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51 Responses

  1. Becki says:

    Lynne,
    I’m sorry, but I laughed my butt off reading about your ‘Ass’ saga, only because I had thought I was the only one in the universe waging a war against a squirrel.. ( In MY case, squirrels in general.) I suppose I should count my lucky stars that the only squirrel damages around here are mostly in the form of them invading my 2 bird feeders and scarfing up everything I put out daily for the birds that frequent my yard. I toss out a few handfuls onto my brick patio for the squirrels, chipmunks and morning doves, hoping that would be enough to satisfy the squirrels but no, those greedy little bas—-s want it all!
    This battle has been ongoing for over 4 years now. It’s not just the Mr and Mrs anymore, but all their greedy little freakin’ squirrel kids too. I have my feeders hanging on shepherd hook metal poles . One time I rubbed vegetable oil on the poles after catching the squirrels a few times running up the poles and hanging upside down from the hook part to reach the feeder. It was really funny watching them jump up 3 ft and then slide right back down. I thought I had won the war’. These little buggers just kept licking their paws and trying over and over again until they had the oil wore off. Fifteen minutes later and they were munching on the bird seed in the feeders with a big grin on their faces.!
    Then a friend of my husband’s that works in a sheet metal shop made us special squirrel guards with an extra wide skirt that attached to the poles directly below the feeders. That worked for a few days until the squirrels figured out they could drop down onto the top of feeder from the branch of a nearby tree. I’ve moved those feeders a dozen times around our yard and those da– squirrels always find something close enough to jump over onto the top of the feeders..

    I finally decided I had had enough of this squirrel hunger games bullsh-t and decided to end all this nonsense and show them who was queen of this castle. I put out a shallow saucer of anti-freeze, which I had used last summer to kill an old skunk that was living under our gazebo. Supposedly it smells sweet and animals drink it. It kills within a few hours. Now I don’t recommend this except in extreme circumstances but I have gotten rid of racoons with it too, so I know it does work.
    I put this saucer of antifreeze on a table in my gazebo early one morning where the squirrels run back and forth along the fence top adjacent to the gazebo and put a handful of birdseed right beside it. One squirrel must have been watching me because within a few minutes he was munching on that pile of birdseed and sniffing the saucer of anti-freeze. Wouldn’t you know, he turned right around, pooped in the saucer of anti-freeze and turned around and grinned at me!!! I swear he did!!

    I finally realized that I just can’t beat Mother Nature. Where there is one squirrel, there are hundreds more to replace them, especially since there is a wooded lot nearby full of oak trees.
    I’m pretty sure the squirrels around here know that I’ve surrendered. Yesterday evening I was sitting on my back deck and one came right up onto the deck not 7 feet from me and buried an acorn in a pot of flowers. He sat up and looked over at me and I swear he snickered and shook his head.

    Good luck with your squirrels. You’re going to need it!

    Becki

  2. We have similar issues with magpies. They are so beautiful but, gah they are so destructive. And mean. They try and kill other garden birds. But I admire their ingenuity, just as I am sure you admire that chap’s (“Ass,” to give him his proper name). Great, funny images that you selected. The one having a casual lean on the lens is priceless. Good luck with treehouse whispering and daisy whispering too. Enjoy your burgeoning spring

  3. Dan Gullett says:

    Love the tree house, but I could see it as a year round home, don’t know the weather where it is, may need to insulate a bit. I feel like you and I have the same Sense of humor, I am a 58 year old man in just outside of Cincinnati, on 2.38 acres, I love being out in the country. Over the summer the History Channel had a short lived show where they took two total strangers and dropped them off in some remote spot miles from anywhere, whey were naked and were only given a couple of survival items. As I watched the show each week, from my recliner I would sit there and say “do this, that was stupid, I could do that. Guess I should get out of my recliner.

    • Hey Dan,

      It would be über cool to have the treehouse as a year round home, but unfortunately it isn’t insulated. That’s the good news and bad news. The inside of it looks cool with raw walls, shelving, barn beams and barn tin. The bad news is that it’s COLD here in Ontario with snowfall big time. Brrrrrh.

      I just laughed out loud about the remote drop NAKED. I think it would all be manageable except for the naked part. haha. How’d they film that? Interesting angles?

      Get out of that recliner and build yourself a treehouse. You would rock it :) !

      Cheers!
      Lynne

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  10. Becki says:

    Lynne,
    I KNOW exactly how you feel about that squirrel! I have a resident squirrel myself that has lived in a tree across my back fence at least 5 years which is when I first noticed the dark spot on the side of her tail, so I KNOW its her! She KNOWS better than to live in a tree on MY property cause I’d be climbing up that tree and putting a squirrel bomb in her nest. She used to skidaddel up my 3 birdfeeder poles to feast, minutes after I filled them and went back in the house. I tried rubbing Vaseline on the poles, vegetable oil and even mixed jalapeno juice IN with the vegetable first. She even watched me from the fence top each time, with a big smirk on her face, I might add. I named her ‘Gonnabee ‘Deadra’ because that’s what she’s gonna be as soon as I figure out the HOWS of it. :)
    After two years of trying oil on the poles, I finally talked my husband (after he quit laughing) into making me some HUGE squirrel umbrella shaped guards about feet across. That finally did the trick.. 4 years later, she still hasn’t figured out a way to get over the tops of them to the feeders. TAKE THAT, GONNABEE DEADRA! HA! She still tries every time I fill the feeders though. And I just SMILE and wave to her…he he he… :) (Okay, maybe I gave her the finger a few times too)

    But this is one vindictive b-t-h squirrel. Every time she tried climbing those poles and failed, she threw a temper tantrum and would run up one of my other poles to a hanging basket of flowers, jump in, and run around in circles stomping (gleefully) on top of all the flowers! I swear I have seen her flip me off a few times. My husband refused to make 6 more squirrel guards for those poles, so I hung birdhouses on them and threw the mangled dead flowers away. Now do you think she was going to leave those birdhouses alone? Of course not! I still hang the birdhouses out every year on those poles and almost every day you can see her up on the poles twisting those bird houses around and around. If a wren or chicadee by some miracle DOES decide to start to build a nest in one, they never return to the task after seeing Gonnabee Deadra going ballistic on their house.
    And if all that is not enough to make me hate her, every year she brings around her little family of 4-5 squirrel babies to parade back and forth along the top of the fence every day. I don’ think there’s a nut tree within 1,002 miles of my house, so I don’t know who her supplier is, but she gets them SOMEWHERE (probably digs them up from where other squirrels have planted them) and brings them to my house to plant. Of course not just out in the lawn somewhere, Oh no, she has to plant them in one of my flower beds. And not just anywhere in my flower beds, but she has to dig out a flower (or chew it off) and plant the stupid nut THERE! She even has the gall to do it while I am sitting out on the deck or front porch or even if I’m standing at a window watching. Its a really good thing for her (or my fence) that I don’t have a gun. What I want to know is how long do grey squirrels live anyway? My ‘relationship’ with Gonnabee Deadra has been going on for 8 years already. She must have 50 kids by now and with my luck, probably over a hundred grandchildren. If there was such a thing as squirrel poison, I would invest in the company!!!! :(

    Becki in Westerville, OH

    • Becki

      That was soooo hilarious, I think I should write a blog post this summer about the treehouse squirrels and rename one of them GONNABEE DEADRA. I’ll dedicate it to you! PS. have you thought about being a blogger? You would seriously rock out loud !!!

      Set one up. It is free to do. It is really not complicated once you get rolling. WordPress is number one in the world…so I would go with them. Just google http://www.wordpress.com and there are video tutorials. The whole shebang. The writing part for you will be sooooo easy. That is the most difficult part for so many people. You will rock it !!

      xx

  11. Lo says:

    Not that you would ever, EVER do this… but I thought it would make you laugh.

    What happens when a squirrel finds fermented pumpkins, then eats them.

    • Lynne Knowlton says:

      That is soooo hilarious! We once had the same thing happen with a ‘drunk’ ground hog under our apple trees. I have never laughed so hard !
      Thanks for sharing. What a hoot !!
      Lynne :)

  12. Karim says:

    Haha, that’s quite a vicious sqiurrel. Whenever I watch them, I always think their brains are receiving signals from seven different sources and they can only focus on one at any given time…hence the always fidgety, indecisive behavior I’ve seen in them.I should be thankful the only sqiurrels I deal with are the grey sqiurrels we have down here in Atlanta…those red sqiurrels that live up north are freaking monsters! Like half-size cats practically.

    • Lynne Knowlton says:

      LOL ! Karim
      “Half sized cats”…too funny! Yes, you are right ! They are nutty little fellas !
      Cheers !
      Lynne

  13. Home Blogs says:

    Ha ha what a brilliant post…cheered my day right up! Keep posting entertaining stuff like that!

    • Lynne Knowlton says:

      Thank you !!! You just cheered me up !!! Thanks for CHEERING ME ON ! Look out for what may come out of my mouth (blog post) next. teehee. Big love, Lynne xx

  14. Giora says:

    Hi Lynne,
    I came to your website from twitter. It’s visually pleasing. Ever thought about dong a book about Interior Design? Are you close to downtown Toronto? Best wishes to your husband.

    • Lynne Knowlton says:

      Hi Giora
      No, I haven’t thought about doing a book on interior design,but who knows where this awesome life may lead? Maybe some day :) Thanks for the cheer!!! Lynne

  15. Don McKee says:

    Ok guys,I feel your pain! I lived on a creek in the woods in Indiana,Talk about squirrel’s,these guys would not leave my flower pot’s alone,and on top of that they loved the taste of my treated deck railing,I tried every thing to deter them to no avail,
    they just seemed to enjoy what ever I put out to scare them away.
    So I finally gave up and moved into town.
    Oh no it seam’s that they got the message and some of them followed me,Now they like my flower beds and shrub beds,Oh well the fight go’s ON

    • Lynne Knowlton says:

      Who knew that a squirrel could fall in love with deck railings too. They are not so fussy :) You are in a town now? Maybe they will dig up all your neighbours beautiful flowers and plant them in your yard. Flowers, flowers, everywhere ! LOL ! Wouldn’t that be awesome?!
      Lynne

      • Don McKee says:

        Yes I do live in town now,but reluctantly,I keep an eye out for the little bugger’s but so far they are just after me.
        Don

  16. Alex says:

    I say you lace his nuts with cayenne pepper. Too much? I have better ideas. We were down yonder in your neck of the woods this past weekend. I am about to write a post about a market in SouthHampton and an antique shop in Clifford that I couldn’t take a photo of b/c someone spilled their corn pops while I had my camera ready. omg! gold mine! You live in a pocket of wonderland of Made in Canada wood1

  17. Laughed my ass off!

  18. Bridget says:

    Love this post!! My favorite line was about hiding his nuts. Got my own very bold squirrel. Gave my son permission to shoot him with the nerf and/or water gun. No luck yet. He just came back for more.

    I work(ed) with Michael at NF5. Tell him we miss him and send our best.

    • Lynne Knowlton says:

      Hey Bridget !
      What a brilliant idea ! I am going to buy a water gun. That actually sounds like a blast. LOL. Excuse the pun. Let me know if you son needs some water gun back up. I can bring in the big guns…the water balloons!!
      P.s. Michael sends a HUGE HELLO and many hugs. xx

  19. Dawna Jones says:

    Poor poor Lynne I feel terrible for you that pesky squirrel is going to be the downfall for you! Hang in there! There has got to be away of getting this nastiness under control!
    http://www.dawnajonesdesign.com/

  20. yvonne says:

    that was just tooooooooooooooooo funny luved it Lynne…cannot wait till the next”As the Squirrel digs again” or the Squirrel hides his nuts again or As the squirrel gives Lynne grey hair to match his lol i could go on and on with that…fantastic, hilar!!!!!!

    • Lynne Knowlton says:

      Hey Evie!
      I think we should find that squirrel and dye his hair purple like mine. This could get entertaining. LOL. xx

  21. Pamela says:

    Oh my, this squirrel story is so funny! I think it is time to give your squirrel a name? It seems that he or she is there to stay.

    • Lynne Knowlton says:

      Pamela
      That is a great idea ! If the little hellion is going to get on a treehouse poster …he should have a name. What shall we call him? The only name that comes to mind so far- is LITTLE BUGGER hellion of a mischief maker gansta.
      Hmmm, I think that name may be a pinch too long (?) xx

  22. Stitchfork says:

    ummm…in high school and college I shot on Varsity rifle teams.
    Just sayin…..
    xo Cathy

    • Lynne Knowlton says:

      Cathy
      You rock out loud. You can sew, you can tweet, you can photoshop, and you can shoot?!! I knew I loved you. Love love love you. :)

    • Mstafa says:

      Recently I was at the Grand Canyon with my five-year-old grandson and I had Mr Mouse, an atploximapery life-size furry mouse finger puppet, on my finger. We stopped to watch some squirrels, and I put Mr Mouse up and had him wiggle. One squirrel came up to him (he was ON MY FINGER, you recall), and examined him pretty thoroughly before going back to the business of begging for food and fighting with the other squirrels. Mr Mouse and I are glad the squirrels didn’t get together and gang up on him like your friends did in the video.

  23. Jim Hays says:

    I’ll bet you would improve your aim quick if you had one of those Power Water guns that the kids all play with. Your squirrel would be trained in no time!
    And, your tree house would be washed out, too.
    Benefits, benefits.
    Jim

    • Lynne Knowlton says:

      Jim!
      That is a brilliant plan. I could take aim with the water guns, and fill water balloons too. Imagine the fun?! Water balloon fights, water guns…and a clean treehouse. Sounds like a win-win to me.
      Cheers for that great idea !
      Lynne

  24. peachyteachy says:

    I feel your pain. I spent four dollars on a tiny container of cayenne pepper to combat my woodchuck that thinks it’s a groundhog (wait, what?). That’s pricey for me. I figure I am doing a life coachy service for those darlings, providing them with those extra endorphins whilst encouraging them to take risks and try something new (as in hopping the woodchuck trolley to anywhere but my yard).

    • Lynne Knowlton says:

      Hahaha!!…’providing them extra endorphins’…’whilst encouraging them to take risks’ LOVE IT !!!! Too funny!!
      I can learn a thing or two from you.
      Gotta run…I’m off to sprinkle some cayenne pepper :)

  25. mom says:

    You know all that havoc that little squirrel is causing….digging in pots, making a mess, sticking its tongue out at you…. Wait I just thought, I could have named you “Squirrel” instead of Lynne…… ha……a Lynne clone…. must be karma LOL

    • Lynne Knowlton says:

      Who me? Stick my tongue out ? After all these years, I thought I was just sneaking…and you never saw me do that. LOL> I’m busted. xx

  26. Suzanne says:

    Ha!! that is one persistant pain in the you know where squirrel. His relatives ate every tulip bulb in my garden, chewed on my herb plants, ate my rosebuds and tried to enter my home my chewing a hole in my screen. I feel your pain.

    • Lynne Knowlton says:

      Hi Suzanne,
      What the what what? Little buggers…but at least they have good taste…tulips, herbs, and rosebuds…all awesome things….
      xx :)

      • Jeanne says:

        I have a squirrel who has eaten a hole into a ptioron of my roof. This will be fixed soon.However my hound dog is on to him and every time this squirrel comes around he goes nuts, the dog that is.Then the cartoon starts. The squirrel then returns the abuse by barking back or whatever it is squirrels do when they get excited. He then moves up to the top of the roof to further torment Miles(the dog) and sometime throws things at him. Needles to say that until the squirrel tires of his amusement the dog is barking and jumping in a vain effort to get this bugger, the bane of his backyard territory.

  27. Shannon says:

    Why don’t you build a little tree house for the squirrel? Fill it with acorns, and cashmere, so if that helps.

    • Lynne Knowlton says:

      Hey Shannon-
      A little treehouse filled with acorns and cashmere sounds kinda tempting. As soon as I hear the word ‘cashmere’ it makes ME want to move in. :). Shove over squirrel, here I come. xx

  28. France says:

    Lynne, you might want to try this lady’s advice. I know I will when I’ll have a “real” garden next summer. I only have two tomato plants at the moment and I haven’t had any problems with squirrels…yet.

    Good luck!

    http://www.ehow.com/video_4973466_repel-squirrels.html

    • Lynne Knowlton says:

      Hi France!
      A ‘how to repel squirrels video’ ?! I was hoping that the squirrel would just fall in love and run off with another squirrel…to another country. Wishful thinking? LOL.
      xx

      • France says:

        Lynne,

        Personally, I understand why he/she wants to hang out in your neck of the woods….it’s a paradise!!!! :) Why on earth would he want to run away?

        Let us know if the cayenne pepper works!

        • Lynne Knowlton says:

          Hi France!
          Well…if the cayenne pepper doesn’t work, then the water balloons will. I am going to throw water balloons from the treehouse porch :)
          Lynne
          Look out below….Jeronimo!

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