Treehouse + Squirrel = Trouble * CAPITAL T * Trouble.

I had a wee problem this winter in the tree-house.  Actually it is was a monster problem.  A problematic problem with freakin’ monster squirrel teeth. This ‘problem’ almost resulted in the death of a squirrel.

I lie.

Does it count if I thought about it?  Because I did.

I thought about it long and hard.

I plotted revenge against a squirrel.

Yes.  A squirrel.

And now I am going to make you help me with my wee plot of squirrel revenge.  I can’t have this much fun alone.  Revenge is heaps of fun tangled with nastiness.  Bad Ass. Awesome. 

Treehouse LOVE... our #treehouse is made from a reclaimed, recycled barn! The squirrels think it is their castle. LOL. Read about it here : http://www.lynneknowlton.com/treehouse-squirrel-trouble-capital-t-trouble/

TREEHOUSE love

This is what my life has come to :

*  I don’t seem to have the time to wash my hair anymore.  It takes a ton of time to nap read books in a treehouse.  I don’t even have any time to waste time on Pinterest anymore. Geez.

*  I haven’t brushed my hair in weeks.  I look like a bush woman from the wild west.

*  I plot revenge tactics against squirrels.

Treehouse LOVE... our #treehouse is made from a reclaimed, recycled barn! The squirrels think it is their castle. LOL. Read about it here : http://www.lynneknowlton.com/treehouse-squirrel-trouble-capital-t-trouble/

Squirrel HEAVEN ( apparently )

Is this what you are thinking?…..

… She is warped…. someone needs to take a trip to the funny farm …..toot-a-loo Miss Lynnie Pooh, have a nice time in the rubber room at Looneyville …. What’s that gals problem?!…it’s just a squirrel.  For Pete’s sake.

Well let me tell you a story.

ONCE UPON A TIME

Once upon a Time Signage

I WANTED TO KILL A SQUIRREL.

Why?!!

  Squirrels moved into the treehouse this winter.  

Imagine the gall?  They checked into the treehouse motel.  Mine.  They made themselves at home.

Little bastards fellas.

How did they get in?  There is NO ENTRY if you don’t know the secret clubhouse password. Sort of like a girls club. Where my friends and I meet.   <— you can read about our girls club and my fellow gal pal & blogger Janet, here.

We do let boys in.  Sometimes.  Not squirrels.  If you attempt an entry without the secret password, we gals throw water balloons at you from the treehouse porch.

 That is how we roll.

Treehouse rubber boots Hunter Rubber Boots

I guess the squirrel missed that memo.  Apparently all bets are off if you are a squirrel.

Enter at free will.  Little furry bugger.

Can you feel the steam coming out of my ears? Actually, FLAMES. I had flames billowing out of my ears when I walked into the little squirrel junk yard piece of heaven treehouse this spring.

Treehouse LOVE... our #treehouse is made from a reclaimed, recycled barn! The squirrels think it is their castle. LOL. Read about it here : http://www.lynneknowlton.com/treehouse-squirrel-trouble-capital-t-trouble/

I am about to tell you about my tree-house squirrel catastrophe. Before I do that, I think you should watch this BBC clip on talking animals.  It was my coping mechanism to get me through my dark squirrel times.

Go ahead and watch it.  I will wait for you.  It is HILARE !!  LOL :

In fact, that BBC video saved him. Had I not had that funny mojo video stuck in my head , there would have been a squirrel murder. FOR SURE.

 What happened this winter?!

Treehouse LOVE... the #treehouse is made from a reclaimed, recycled barn! The squirrels think it is their castle. LOL. Read about it here : http://www.lynneknowlton.com/treehouse-squirrel-trouble-capital-t-trouble/

A squirrel ( and probably a circus show of all his buddies) trashed the tree-house. He had a party.  He invited all his furry, smelly bad mannered buddies.  They chowed down on three mattresses.   They made squirrel condos in the mattresses.  I am sure they did squirrel nasties in there. They probably made squirrel babies. It was surely unprotected squirrel sex.

I am only putting all these tree-house pictures in here to cheer myself up.  Well, and you too.  Are you feeling sorry for me yet?

Treehouse LOVE... the #treehouse is made from a reclaimed, recycled barn! The squirrels think it is their castle. LOL. Read about it here : http://www.lynneknowlton.com/treehouse-squirrel-trouble-capital-t-trouble/

If not, here’s more…..

When I walked into the tree-house in the spring, it smelled like a combination of goat urine and camel spit.  Not that I have ever smelled that, but it I am guessing it is pretty close to what I smelled in the treehouse. Grotty. To the max.  I am still trying to get that smell outta my head.  I need a smell exorcist.

daisies

It wasn’t smelling like DAISIES

If you are a consistent reader of my blog, I know you have an imagination.  Now is the time to use it.   I need your help for squirrel payback.  Help a sis-ta out.  Don’t worry.  This fella deserves a good stare down.  He is still running around Casa-Knowlton. He is no doubt shredding the outhouse toilet paper to shreds, right now, as we speak, with a grin on his face.

Treehouse LOVE... the #treehouse is made from a reclaimed, recycled barn! The squirrels think it is their castle. LOL. Read about it here : http://www.lynneknowlton.com/treehouse-squirrel-trouble-capital-t-trouble/

 

I need your help.  Squirrel payback time.  All together now:

1.  Imagine you are standing at the treehouse and you have spotted the dreaded squirrel.  Just standing there.  Looking all innocent like.

 2.  Now focus. Get your MAD FACE on. Get serious.  Serious, mad, scary face.  The kind of face you make…that if you looked in the mirror….you would scare yourself.

That’s it.  You got it.

3.  OK, now I want everyone to stare at that squirrel.  STARE HARD.  He deserves it.

Note:

Is there a squirrel protection society? If so, they are probably going to come knocking on my door any minute now.  You are all in trouble for staring down a squirrel.

 

Treehouse LOVE... the #treehouse is made from a reclaimed, recycled barn! The squirrels think it is their castle. LOL. Read about it here : http://www.lynneknowlton.com/treehouse-squirrel-trouble-capital-t-trouble/

Balinese Door Knobs on the Treehouse Reclaimed doors

4.  Keep that stare on.  GLARE.  The kind of GLARE where the squirrel is now looking behind him, and all around him. He is really starting to wonder if  it is, in fact, HIM that everyone is looking at.  Could it be?

5.  Now he is getting embarrassed. He thinks he has something stuck on his butt.  He takes a double check.  Nope.  Nothing on his butt.

6.  Yup. It is him.

 Run for the hills Mr. Bad ass Squirrel.

Treehouse LOVE... the #treehouse is made from a reclaimed, recycled barn! The squirrels think it is their castle. LOL. Read about it here : http://www.lynneknowlton.com/treehouse-squirrel-trouble-capital-t-trouble/

GUILTY. BUSTED. BAD ASS.

I think it is only fair, since I made all of you stare down a squirrel, that I should tell you the story of what the hellion squirrel did.

MY WINTER CONVERSATION WITH THE HUBS :

Me: Hey Hun, have you checked the treehouse lately, to see if there are any animals in there?

Michael : Oh, Yes.

Me : Dude. You answered that way too quickly. Did you really check the tree-house?

Treehouse LOVE... the #treehouse is made from a reclaimed, recycled barn! The squirrels think it is their castle. LOL. Read about it here : http://www.lynneknowlton.com/treehouse-squirrel-trouble-capital-t-trouble/

LOOK UP. Way up.

Michael : Yes. For sure. I went out there, and looked all around, and everything is fine. No biggie. No probs.

Me : Are you pulling the wool over my eyes?

Michael : I would never do that {he already looks guilty}.

Michael: How about I make dinner tonight ? You relax.

Me : {aka SUCKER}

Treehouse LOVE... the #treehouse is made from a reclaimed, recycled barn! The squirrels think it is their castle. LOL. Read about it here : http://www.lynneknowlton.com/treehouse-squirrel-trouble-capital-t-trouble/

Vintage sink in the treehouse

P.s.

‘ VINTAGE SINK’ actually means that I stole it from my friends yard. They had plans to plant flowers in it.  I had other plans. True story.  Sorry, Chris and Heather. If you are looking for your sink…I have no idea where it is.

 

Michael:  I will keep checking the treehouse this winter if it makes you feel any better. It’ll be fine.  It’s a treehouse.  Not world peace.  It will manage.

Me: {I bought that argument}

Treehouse LOVE... the #treehouse is made from a reclaimed, recycled barn! The squirrels think it is their castle. LOL. Read about it here : http://www.lynneknowlton.com/treehouse-squirrel-trouble-capital-t-trouble/

A room with a view

 

SPRING :

Me : …..Walking into the treehouse in spring…….

Three mattresses EATEN ALIVE by a squirrel and his big butt family.

 It looked like a pillow fight with Edward Scissor hands. 

Me :  Oh my,  Holy Mother of &*^%, what the what what, huh? ! Whaaaaaaat ?!

Michael : Hey little Miss potty mouth. Have you thought about a career in truck driving after your blogging career? *grin*

Me: Bite me….*shrieking* … What happened to all THREE MATTRESSES in the tree-house?!!!

Actually, I didn’t over react like that.   I totally over reacted like that.  Technically, I lost my mind.  I had an out of body experience. It was as if the squirrel had actually affected world peace.

Well he did.

My peace.

Little bastard.

This is why I drink.

small vintage glass on wooden stool

Me : Hey hun, come have a look at this *** demolished mattress scene *** ( I wrote that calmly, but actually, I think I screamed it from the tree-house porch). I even banged on my keyboard keys as I typed this.

 I’m certain I spewed green and my head did a 360*

Michael: What? How did that happen ?? So odd.  When I checked the mattresses they looked awesome before. Weird.  A mystery.  Hmmm.

You see, Michael is as calm as a clam.  He walked off as if nothing happened.  He didn’t blink an eye.

Zip. Nada. Zero.

Treehouse LOVE... the #treehouse is made from a reclaimed, recycled barn! The squirrels think it is their castle. LOL. Read about it here : http://www.lynneknowlton.com/treehouse-squirrel-trouble-capital-t-trouble/

Tree = Countertop

Me: Did you REALLY look at the mattresses this winter?!!  You turned them over, and you really checked them? Truth ?!

Michael : Uhhhm. Uh-ha.

Note: I am not sure who had the hot flash first.

Me. Michael. Or the squirrel.

Treehouse LOVE... the #treehouse is made from a reclaimed, recycled barn! The squirrels think it is their castle. LOL. Read about it here : http://www.lynneknowlton.com/treehouse-squirrel-trouble-capital-t-trouble/

Ikea Lantern LOVE

Short time passes…Perfect timing really.  NOT.  I was prepping the treehouse for a photo shoot with Our Homes Magazine.  How timely.  A photo shoot.  On top of photo shoot prep, I now had to do a BURNING (aka mattress bonfire).  I had tons of time to do that. NOT. There is really nothing to do when you prep for a photo shoot. Can I say NOT, again? :)

 Easy.

~ SCREAM ~

Me: If you want to check the mattresses now, they are on the fire pit. There are some hefty flames coming out of them. Kind of like what is coming out of my ears right now.

 FLAMES.

The squirrels made homes inside every mattress. How could I ever sleep on that again?  It would be like Amity-ville squirrel horror.  A freak show in my mattress. Ewww.

Yes, more photos. I still need some cheering up.  Or wine.  I’m not fussy.

 In fact, just bring a case of wine.

Treehouse LOVE... the #treehouse is made from a reclaimed, recycled barn! The squirrels think it is their castle. LOL. Read about it here : http://www.lynneknowlton.com/treehouse-squirrel-trouble-capital-t-trouble/

Come and sit for a while

 

It is now summer and every time I see a squirrel pass me, I dart glazes at him.   Like eyeball weapons.  I am sure he can feel my burning glaze on the back of his head.  The bad boy just sits there. Stares at me. With his mouth full.  Of Mattress Fur.

Treehouse LOVE... the #treehouse is made from a reclaimed, recycled barn! The squirrels think it is their castle. LOL. Read about it here : http://www.lynneknowlton.com/treehouse-squirrel-trouble-capital-t-trouble/

It has been months.  It took me this long to write about it.  I suppose I am not over it.   I may have to remortgage my house to pay for the ‘winter-chow-down-of-a-mattress’ squirrel party.  Those squirrels may be small, but they have superman might when it comes to chowing.  If you ever want to wage a war, and do some damage on a building, invite a squirrel. My only recourse is to hope that the fat bastard squirrel is so full of mattress stuffing that he is constipated.  Dude, that is what happens when you eat fur balls for an entire winter.

Constipation =  Payback.

Mother Nature Style.

I think Mr. Squirrel should pray.

Dear Buddha  I want to have your peace  your wisdom, your serenity, your divine nature  your acorn hat.  Love, Squirrel.

Dear Buddha

I want to have your peace

your wisdom, your serenity, your divine nature

your acorn hat.

Love, Squirrel.

Lynne

This entry was posted in Design Your Happiness, Design Your Home Life, Design Your Retreat, Our Treehouse, Quotes, Jokes & Funnies and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.


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71 Responses

  1. Rhéal Delaquis says:

    I like all the cool things you have on your website. Quite inspirational!

    I am considering doing a DIY garage door hardware for the door I will be building for my garden tool storage area integrated within the studio and workshop I built at our country residence. Hence, I will be ordering the wheels from the that you have linked in your website. I need to know the inside diameter of the wheels so I can prepare the hole in the flat bar accordingly and buy the proper size bolts.

    Your quick response would be greatly appreciated.

    Kind regards,
    Rhéal

    • Hi Rhéal,

      The inside bold size is 5/8″ or .625”.

      I hope that helps! We even have wheel inventory right now :)

      I will send you an email with a photo right now just so you have a nice close up! Cheers!
      Lynne

  2. Sandy says:

    Avatar Lynne, we have found the quickest way to get rid of squirrels from our deck while they are stealing bird seeds from the feeder – is to let our 300 pound cat outside. He may look like a stuffed pillow but he can run, his brother Frisco is a lithesome 150 pounds and he also maintains order. Together this dynamic duo patrols our deck and keeps those Gang Squirrels behind the wall!
    Let the Barn cats visit the tree house and you’ll be pleasantly surprised. Fight nature with nature! Mother Nature will be pleased. Your Fan. Sandy

    • Ohhhh Sandy,

      Why did I take so long to reply to your hilarious comment ?!! ha ! AVATAR LYNNE. Yup, I’m a crazy lady living in the basement with 49 cats. teeeheeeeee.

      PS. You are right about the barn cats! Suddenly they are ruling the roost around here. They better not leave me any ‘presents’ on my front porch :)

      Lynne xx

      PS. You rock out loud.

  3. Pingback: Barn Wedding + Cupcakes + Treehouse = Awesome Sauce | Design The Life You Want To Live

  4. Lol! Squirrel nasties! You are laugh out loud funny!

    Love it!

    Denise

  5. Jennifer says:

    This is some hilarious shit!! I haven’t laughed so hard in….way too long. Where have you been all my blogging life??
    I’ll be reading on…

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  12. Linda says:

    Love your tree house.

  13. Tiffany says:

    Ok You got us good. This… Hilarious! Crying funny! You were so right – the 5 yr old is now on a new crusade for taking down those squirrels. Hes still planning 10 minutes through my laughing till i cried session (in an office where I am allegedly working… Apparently on restoring world peace with my son due to some bad ass squirrels in the Treehouse.)

    P.s. I grew up not too far from Amityville so the reference was especially hilarious since i have seen some ridiculous squirrel events at the actual house (of horrors.)

    I’m going to go nominate your blog somewhere for some special ridiculously-funny-world changers award…

  14. Shannon says:

    Great Story,

    Where I grew up in Alabama (Tuskegee), we would have eaten the squirrel with gravy and biscuits. Not exactly a vegan’s delight. Great story telling and design, made my day. Be well.

    • Lynne Knowlton says:

      Shannon !
      You are hilarious. ‘not exactly a vegan’s delight’. Too funny. If that squirrel keeps sitting on my treehouse porch and staring at me while he throws nuts from the porch railing…I may just have to have a little ‘squirrel-biscuits-and-gravy’. LOL. That sounded gross just typing about it. :)
      Lynne

  15. Gail Wyer says:

    Lynne…you are one hilarious lady!!!! Kudo’s to you….maybe writing is in the cards for you!!! Love your story…would have liked it better with a death scene!!! LOL

    • Lynne Knowlton says:

      Thanks AUNTIE GAIL *_* !!
      Who knew that someone other than my Mom, my auntie and my Dog would read my blog ?! xx P.s. That squirrel sat on the treehouse porch and STARED at me yesterday. RIGHT AFTER he made a catastrophe of my potted daisies. He is a hoodlum.
      Love you.

  16. mom says:

    Holy smoke….this one really cracked me up. I just roared watching that video. I never stopped laughing until I hit the bottom of your blog. Great funny writing :o)

  17. Alex says:

    First of all, I just spit out some wine while reading this. Thank you! Laughing and reading while drinking wine is not a talent I have yet acquired. I’ll trade you squirrels for my devil strawberry eating birds. They made me move all of them out of my garden. Mattresses aren’t cheap. I say you invest in a sling shot. PETA cover your ears. Second, WordPress is an epic fail (Unless you moved and this is me being stupid) and non of your posts have appeared in my reader. If I had half a brain or the time where I’m not regretting making bird feeders, I should check my email more often. Sigh. Stupid rodents eh? I still can’t get over how much I love the font on this page. I think I need to use for something trendy to put up in the house to piss of AT readers.

    • Lynne Knowlton says:

      Hi Alex !!
      So happy to have you back, girlfrrrieeend !! WordPress…I want to punch them in the head but I love them so much, I just can’t. LOL. A few months ago, I moved my blog from a wordpress.com to a self hosted wordpress, and unfortunately subscribers don’t transfer. I think it is the only BLOOPER that wordpress has. We bloggers LOVE our subscribers, and it is so hard to say goodbye. Now if you were talking about house guests…LIKE SQUIRRELS and BIRDS….then it would be easy to say TOOT-A-LOOOoooo. LOL !!
      Have an awesome day. Thanks for coming back. xx

  18. I can say without a doubt that this post is the greatest combination of entertaining prose, gorgeous photography, and anti-squirrel strategy that has ever been written. You should be proud of that.

  19. Pingback: A squirrel shadow « amatulhafeez's blog

  20. Danica says:

    Look at the bright side…at least you live in the country and got to burn the mattress rather then pay to take it to the dump ;) oh and also that a bat didn’t make a home in there….bats are much more worse to get rid of…trust me I speak from experience.

    • Lynne Knowlton says:

      Hi Danica !
      Well, you are right about that sista! And ewwwh, you poor thaaang, you had to deal with bats?! Those scare the bejesus outta me. You are one brave gal.
      You are definitely a country gal…I’m going to check out your blog RIGHT NOW…only country gals know about the dump fees. The locals here call the dump, “the shopping mall”, LOL..because there is an area to shop/take reclaimed goods. Too funny. xx

      • Danica says:

        What!!! our dump doesn’t have an area like that! I need reclaimed woods to make a harvest table :)

        On a side note I thought Branko was crazy when he burned the mattress(then i read your blog and determined it’s a normal country thing) then collected the metal and took it to the dump and got money back! Score.

        And yes Bats are scary icky little things…it was basically scene of me in the mudroom peering through the window in the door into the house with a blanket wrapped around my head and Branko in the house trying to battle the bat. Every 2 seconds I would creep the door open and yet “still flying in circles!!!!”

  21. Maureen says:

    Not that I want to get any ‘squirrel protectionisits” coming after me, …but I think if you had screamed…..I mean super loud screamed down to your toe nails. screamed, …you would have perhaps given that squirrel treehouse squatter, ransacker a squirrel heart attack…and put major squirrel fear into his off spring for genrations to come as well. I’m not saying that I did that once myself, Im just saying that next time you might try that technique….just sayin’.

  22. Crystal Rubybeets says:

    Damn I will say it. I hate squirrels. They chewed through brand new screens and got into my kitchen once and sat all pompous on top kf my fridge.

    • Lynne Knowlton says:

      They didn’t ?! I think you better watch that video Crystal. LOL !! It will cheer you up.
      Squirrels give MOTHER NATURE a bad rap.
      P.s. I hope your squirrels get constipated too. xx LOL

  23. Wendy says:

    Lynne, How dare that crazy squirrel clan just squat in your tree house! That’s just awfully rude of them.. I hope, for their sake, that they find another abode next winter. – Wendy

    • Lynne Knowlton says:

      I agree Wendy. They are little bad ass rotters. I think I need to go watch that BBC video again, to cheer myself up :)
      Did you see the dentist monkey in the video ? Seriously hilare !

  24. Carol Ann says:

    I have a terrorist cell of squirrels in my attic plotting their next demolition. I have many plans for their demise. There will be no negotiations. I’ll keep you posted on my progess.
    Meanwhile, remember this: they are not cute. They are rats having a good hair day.

    • Lynne Knowlton says:

      Rats having a good hair day ! Haha! Well those squirrels have nicer looking hair than me right now. They are one up on me. Why do they get to look good and they never need to brush their hair? This world is unfair. :) LOL.

  25. Lynne Knowlton says:

    My twitter friend Cathy from stitchfork sent me this photo AND I just had to share ! HILARE !!

    RT @stitchfork: You had my laughing while commiserating Lynne! @lynneknowlton and I could not resist…

    http://t.co/NfUWAH46

  26. Suzanne says:

    OMG, hilarious. that squirrel deserves some serious jail time for breaking and entering and well relieving him/herself and vandalism. I so love your treehouse and now its a standoff, you have to prevail. Had one of the buggers break into my house and help himself to the nuts on top of my fridge, ruthless, no scruples. Maybe you should do a childrens book about the squirrel in the tree house minus making squirrel stew of course.

    • Suzanne says:

      Oh forgot to mention that video, loved it, how funny is that!!

      • Lynne Knowlton says:

        Allan…allan…allan….ohhhh that’s Steve. Steve…steve….Steve.
        Crack me up !!
        The dentist monkey …OMG ….I pee my pants every time. I suppose I shouldn’t confess that publicly.

        • Suzanne says:

          Those were my three fav parts too, it had me laughing so hard yes pee the pants, and if I were drinking anything at the time it would definitely come out of my nose, ok thats really gross!!

    • Lynne Knowlton says:

      Suzanne-
      You are right, I have unscrupulous squirrels. Bad ass squirrels. I need to put a DO NOT ENTER IF YOU ARE A SQUIRREL sign. Those who do not heed the warning will be stew.
      That sounded gross and yet I feel all better now. LOL !

  27. Tracy says:

    Lynne, I have reels of silk yarn in my shed where bees have loved to try and make their home annually soon followed by ants who found their way to the exact same spot… haven’t got any squirrels here but ferrel kitting weaving silk throws could be next :-)
    Your tree house has got to be the best in the world and the best interior magezines in the world, I am sure, must be clearing space for some of those photos. Much love from the Med..

    • Lynne Knowlton says:

      Bees knees… I hope you get some honey outta those suckers. :)
      Thanks for sending good vibes…I am still DREAMING of getting into a national magazine. I am keeping my eye on the prize.
      Maybe, someday. Until then, I am just chasing squirrels. xx
      Big hugs !

      • Tracy says:

        one solitary bee = no honey unfortuantely, kittens weaving silk fabric would be nice however :-) keep hold of that dream Lynne, dreams can come true xx

  28. GaylaT says:

    The only thing I hate worse than squirrels are racoons. Those furry devils actually attack if you are in the way of something they want….like a grill full of steaks. That was at the lake house. Now, here in town it’s squirrels hands or paws down. I’ve been putting in bedding plants. It’s really very simple, I dig a hole, put in a little plant. push dirt around it and take a rest on the porch. Go out in about an hour to admire my darling rather expensive plantings and……..they are all pulled out of the ground to check and see if by any chance I just happened to have hidden a nut under the plant. I’ve never had one in the house but a close friend left me in charge of her lovely home while she went on a cruise. She said all was under control until the weekend is over, just check on the mail and whatever……on Monday. So I come over on Monday, unlock the door to put the mail inside and see mayhem. She……Ms. Coon, came down the chimney evidenced by the screen pushed over and the glass broken out. I go on into the kitchen and see her Majolica collection that was safely exhibited on the top of the cabinets now down for a closer look on the kitchen floor……where as she once owned 12 really nice pieces, she now owns at least a hundred smaller pieces. Evidently Ms Coon needed a potty break and headed for the master bath but didn’t quite make it so had to use what was at hand….sorry, at paw, which was the lovely custom bedspread but luckily there were nice wiping curtains hanging at the window where the brown nicely accented the peach brocade. Following the brown tracks back out of there I took another look at the kitchen and on closer inspection there was quite a lot of goo stirred into the nice pottery on the floor. Did you know that coons can open refrigerators? They can also open bottle of soy sauce, pickles, ketchup, you know that kind of stuff you leave in there while you are away. So, I call animal control who comes and finds Ms. Coon sleeping it off in the closet where the folding doors have been easy to open. I pull down the drapes and roll them up in the bedspread and haul them to the dry cleaners who make a note that there will be an extra charge for cleaning due to extenuating circumstances. I go back to begin the pottery clean up, making the assumption Glenda will not want to try to fit the hundreds of pieces back together. Throw in a few pickle jars and it’s half a tall waste can full. Sadly, the carpet in the bedroom can’t be cleaned so just pull it up until she gets home. That night I get a call from the love boat wondering if I’m having even half the fun she is having. Really hate to be a wet blanket but she has to know sooner of later that she has been inducted into the I Hate Racoons club by proxie! No reason to come home early as I have all under control but what is the name of your insurance agent and if you see any pretty pottery while you are on shore visits just go ahead and pick up a few pieces………….

    • Lynne Knowlton says:

      Gayla !
      Wow, you are an awesome writer ! As much as I was mad at those coons, I loved reading about it. I must be twisted. LOL.
      We had a racoon here one year, and I thought he had rabies. He was wobbling all about near the apple trees. Apparently, when a racoon eats too many apples (that have been fermenting on the ground), they get DRUNK. It was hilarious. Maybe the crazy coons that you cleaned up after were all drunk and having a party ?
      xx

  29. Jessica says:

    Hilarious… may I suggest removing all mattresses and soft items this winter??!!
    Oh, and gorgeous too… but I’m still laughing at your expense. There’s a mouse living UNDER my front door and I have no strong, handsome, dashing Micheal to chase it away. GAH!

    • Lynne Knowlton says:

      Hey Jess !
      So funny….that you should mention that I should remove all mattresses and soft items. You see, great minds think alike. I SAID THE SAME THING. haha, do you like how I wrote that with CAPS ON ?! LOL.
      Handsome, dashing men don’t always agree tho. Hmmm. That is why the bugger ( errrh, husband) thought it would be ok just to leave everything in the treehouse….since, of course, he was going to check on it. Blah blah blah. Men suck.
      xx

  30. peachyteachy says:

    The woodchucks may not have the pricetag those squirrels bring, but I daresay our rage is the same. My precious, raised-from-seed heirloom annuals? Hell hath no fury like this. My futile attempts: http://peachyteachy.wordpress.com/2012/05/17/woodchuck-vigilante/
    Came home today to a thirty-pounder who sauntered away as I approached, screaming my trademark “Woodchuck! Run away!” and brandishing a bottle of balsamic vinegar, which I gladly would have thrown at the fat thief if I didn’t fully expect him to pour it over some shoots of swiss chard before chewing them up.
    Your tree house, by the way, is so magical as to seem unreal.

    • Lynne Knowlton says:

      P.s. That woodchuck drawing is very cool ! And thanks..now I have a craving for balsamic vinegar & swiss chard :) LOL.

  31. I always thought you had to make peace with the squirrels that dig up your bulbs and tackle your bird feeders. Then again, I never had a squirrel tear my house apart. He went too far!
    I have a big dog that is now trained on command to attack squirrels on our property. Sadly, they always escape up the tree before he gets to them.
    Cool Hand Luke is pretty fast, but no match when it comes to climbing trees.
    The command? Its simple. You must say it with venom in your voice, through clenched teeth: SQUIRREL!
    It just makes us feel better. Like we are putting FEAR into that squirrel. Hmmm…
    probably not.
    Great house.

    • Lynne Knowlton says:

      Ok, I am standing on the treehouse porch right now and practicing your dog commands. My dog is looking at me, like I am mentally challenged. Well, at least I entertained my dog.
      Lynne xx

  32. Mary says:

    Thanks for the laughs. (My husband now thinks I’m certifiable for laughing in a room all by myself.) I hate squirrels,,,,,no,,,not dislike,,detest or abhor. I HATE squirrels. Even more, my (saintly)mother-in-law hates squirrels. This woman, who wouldn’t say poop, if her mouth was full of it LAUGHS out loud when she sees a dead squirrel on the roadway! All I can suggest is red pepper flakes or hot sauce (on peanuts,etc.). Won’t kill them,,,but will give YOU a certain satisfaction to see them dance,,,,seeing as how you like talking animals.
    Oh yeah,,,then there’s my husband’s boss. He really hates squirrels. He hooked up an electrical cord wound around his bird feeder pole, and sits & laughs when the climb up the pole & get zapped.
    (My squirrels are black & have the mange.)

    • Lynne Knowlton says:

      Mary-
      ” this woman who wouldn’t say poop if her mouth was full of it’…ok, I am roaring laughing.
      P.s I don’t think you should ever get on the bad side of your husbands boss. :)
      Lynne xx

  33. Michael says:

    Hon :)
    This is working for me. Keep blogging. Sounds like Frank and Tony are coming to make Italian dinner in the treefort. Let’s get Judy (gristmillwinery.com) to bring the wine (you did say by the case, didn’t you?). Maybe you just need to have a squirrel prevention conference in the treehouse. Nice idea ?! It could be a pot luck on steroids :)

    Love,
    Your squirrel warrior (NOT). My bad.LOL.

    Michael

    • Lynne Knowlton says:

      Hi sweet cheeks of a husband. *smirk*
      I hope this means that THIS YEAR you are REALLY going to check the treehouse over the winter. I don’t know who is the bigger bad ass…YOU or the squirrels.
      Love you to the moon and back anyway, damn it.
      xx

  34. Jane says:

    Ohhhh Lynne, I feel your pain. I had my own war with your squirrel’s cousin a few years back at my cottage! Who knew the little beggers could cause so much damage! If I’d had a gun I’m sure I would have shot him…….he came right back in while I was standing there surveying the damage and I’m sure that noise I heard was a laugh!!. Not a mattress, but pillows and a couch cushion…..foam everywhere…..food off the shelves…..we hadn’t even closed it for the winter yet. So much for a last relaxing day from the noise of town while the 4 kids were at school! I’m still steaming when I think about it!!! At least I discovered his point of entry and trust me, no squirrel will ever get in that entrance again!! lol By the way I am soooo jealous of your tree house…..my ex got the cottage in the settlement…..maybe I should sneak up and open up that entrance……did I say that out loud?! he, he, he!!!

    • Lynne Knowlton says:

      Hee! Hee Jane-
      I think you have a good plan of attack in mind. haha! Yes, you said that in your ‘outside voice’. :)
      Funny how a quiet day can turn into a hellion day in the blink of an eye :)
      If you need some help to ‘open’ up the entrance, I can be your partner in crime.

  35. Lynne. This is serious. Gorgeous, smart, bali-loving bloggers with treehouses are no match for a squirrel. Need to call in the big guns. Someone like my Italian dad. He means business. And he knows people. Squirrel-outsmarting people with names like Tony. These old Italian guys would make mincemeat out of your squirrel in no time. Drive around until you see someone who has filled in a swimming pool to plant tomatos. They’re Italian. Knock on the door and ask for Frank or Tony. They will make the squirrel an offer he can’t refuse.

    • Lynne Knowlton says:

      Dani
      You just made me fall off my chair laughing, and I am slightly scared for the squirrel too.
      Frank and Tony need to be my new best buds. BFF’s forever. Can they make me dinner in the treehouse too? I love Italian.
      P.s. Filled in a pool to plant potatoes ?! ROFL.
      Crack me up !!!!
      Mwah !!
      xx

  36. Judy says:

    Ooooooooooooooooh……I’m SO in love with your treehouse…..

    • Lynne Knowlton says:

      Judy –
      Sounds like we need to tell you the secret password and let you in the girls treehouse club. xx

  37. Lynne, I have waged my own war with a squirrel for eating the heads off a bed of tulips. Nothing near as costly as tree house damage. Learnd something from the experience….a few strategically placed dried jalapeño peppers keeps the squirrels away. In fact my neighbor swears she saw the squirrel in the street frantically waiving his little paws at his mouth and saying…water, water, water!

  38. I came, i stared, i drank. Not sure if it worked. Damned rodents.
    I feel your pain sister. They didn’t chew my mattress, but they mock me from our back fence ever since i evicted an entire family from a downspout last year (hey…another argument for rainchains!)
    Next you have to go on a woodpecker offensive…..i’m afraid that little guy is after your treehouse supports ;)
    Thanks for the shout-out buddy ;)
    And that video is hilarious!

    • Lynne Knowlton says:

      Janet
      Did you pee your pants a little with that BBC Video? I did. I admit it.
      P.s that was one awesome weekend we had. Let’s do that again :)
      Big love
      Moi xx

  39. I’m not sure what to say. I mean, I laughed at this post. But also, I was very mad at that squirrel and his posse. So, I guess it was angry laughing. Also, I would have enjoyed the mattress fire. I would have danced around it. And roasted marshmallows. Which I’m sure doesn’t do much to make you feel better either. In the squirrel’s defence, it DOES look like a wicked awesome place to spend the winter. Maybe I’ll burrow into one of your mattresses next year…

    • Lynne Knowlton says:

      I love you Movita Beaucoup.
      P.s my friends…. go check out Movita’s blog. It rocks out loud. xx

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